It'll be ok

Febtober and I were exhausted after class one night. He more so than I. He had skipped the last part of a class to talk to a girl he really liked, and he had eaten something he shouldn't have. It caused him to miss most of our class. We all suspect he has gastric issues, or perhaps the stress of really liking this girl that only seemed to want to play mind games with him was getting to him. Anyways, family (and now you), knows that the boy takes forever to get the job done, especially if he is not feeling well. I covered for him in class, and grabbed his gear when we were released. About five minutes after we got out, I got his text: "I am sooo sorry", to which I replied: "When ur done, @ benches unless get cold, then car". I kept watch over our stuff for the next 25 minutes, enjoying the night air. He came out, running full force. His echoing gait alarmed me, and I grabbed our stuff, expecting to have to run with over fifty pounds of junk to keep up with him. I did a small bounce, giving him time to run past and I would follow. He screeched to a halt, sweat spraying over  me as he almost fell on top of me.
"You ok?", as I looked up at him.
"Please don't hate me", as his bottom lip quivered and tears welled up. I realized it wasn't only sweat on his cheeks.
"I don't. You feeling better? Worse?"
"I thought you'd left me, that I pissed you off and you left"
"I'm your ride, here... take your stuff... and mine as punishment"
We walked to the car, me making sure my baby brother was ok... and calming him down. That I would never leave him stranded.
He told me about his afternoon, and we talked of how the situation sucked. He reclined the seat back, telling me he just wanted to sleep until we got back to the house. I knew he was still crying, and that it was more the young girl's fault than my own. That him not getting my text was the least of his concerns.
So as he curled away from me, to hide his face in the shadows, I continued to drive. I took a deep breath... then another... and started to sing the lullaby I used to put him to bed when I could still carry him, the same song when storms scared him and he crawled into my bed. It lasted all of 45 seconds.
He rolled over, placed his lion sized paw over my bicep, and said: "Sis, one more time?"
I smiled and began again...

You wanted my reason...

Red has me on another project... She's one of three (non-blood related) people that can do this to me... scare the begeezus out of me. Price I pay for knowing a fantastic lady since grade school. We've spent years creating ourselves, distinct yet eerily similar. She's one of those that I would swear either has a bug in my place or can read my mind... even after I 'ran away' to my current address. Of which I am scrambling to fix. I don't do the things I want to 'up here'. I talk about not feeling at home, it's high time I work on it. And if I flop again, do it again or figure something else out.
So since you are all used to me being random, here we go:
Got rejected.... twice. Not by a guy, by two schools. I think it took me three full weeks to recover, and it still stings. My father said, "I am so disappointed in you", hence what was supposed to be an 'aw schucks, maybe next time' got flipped to a 'I am NOT gonna cry' and spiral into rough weeks fighting the desire to shut down. So that's why I've been moody, not because of the month. To the ones that think I've no longer got a romantic side, I'll remind you I have loads of stuff on love. Some of my faves:
"True love begins when nothing is looked for in return." ~Antoine De Saint-Exupery
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."~Lao Tzu

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire: In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."
And my own, "I will love you for as long as you will let me"- the only one of these that I told someone I cared for. He actually asked if I *knew* he was going to break my heart when we split, I told him I had hoped I was wrong.
But I wasn't. Just like I wasn't wrong in other gut/heart feelings. Two of you remembering the comment I made in high school about being the last one down the aisle, if ever? I had a twang of doubt as I mailed out my applications. I actually prayed that night for whatever path I was supposed to take be made a little clearer... and for a swift kick or knock on the head to make sure I didn't miss my turn.
Enter in this project, and a sense of fear. There are secrets I keep, even from myself. But I have to dredge it all up because I am tired of the sense of waiting, even when I make steps forward. I started this blog to open up to the few I gave permission to find it. My whole family keeps horrible secrets from one another, I didn't want to do that to people I care about. But I know some secrets are best kept, hence why I had made the comment I would be here less. Not because there is less of me I want to share, but that I should wait for you to ask sometimes.
Yes, I am a bit jealous I don't have a valentine, but I am not going to go postal. Cut me some slack. I just can't make you happy... I clam up and you think I've gone cold. I sigh and you immediately assume things.
For at least the next 30 days, I have a new project... plus other things on my plate. Deadlines are closing fast, but as always... you need me, I'm there. You desperately need me, and I'll likely show up without my shirt.... again. Lol