Yummies

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. ~Pablo Neruda

Lately I have been developing crushes on guys I know I will never: see in person/get the nerve to confess/are completely taken/only in my dreams/some combo of the previous. The crushes will fade, but for now, they seem to be rampant.  So here we go.

Brent Smith, Shinedown- I admit it, I have a thing for singers.  Currently he is one of the top runners.  He lost some points because he's engaged, but his girl has nothing to fear from me.  I saw "If You Only Knew",  and my jaw dropped.  Yum... button down shirt, jacket, tall, dark hair, terrific voice... When the song comes on my radio at work, I sway my chair side to side, mouth the words and get lost in the emotion he pours into it; my productivity be damned. I'm envious of the guys that can sing or play an instrument-things I can't seem to do right.  I don't care what my bro says, I know my singing voice should be reserved for the way way way waaayyyy background to avoid dogs howling.  Doesn't stop me from belting it in the car!

The tech support guy- Though we have only talked on the phone, the fact he doesn't laugh at me everytime I have to call because I locked myself out of the system makes him cute.  He bears with me as I try to connect all the random trivia bits to answer the security questions, like "Hire date?", "Um, let's see, it was almost a month after my birthday... [insert correct date]"; "Employee ID number?, "Hold on, I have to look at the keyboard... da da da da dee.... 12345"; "Which password do you need reset?", "The one that lets me log on the machine so I can clock in and get paid for being here on time... LAN!"  He stifles the chuckle, but I can hear in his voice that he's entertained.

Authors of books- I should be banned from bookstores.  No matter the gender or age, I go nuts when I get engrossed in things I read. I should include blogs, too. Must stop stalking people that do not know me, and stop bugging the ones that do to post again (L!)... Seriously, this is my mom's fault.  We treat Barnes and Noble as our private library... we sit there for hours, reading and taking notes.  I got through all of Shakespeare's sonnets, knowing my mom had my copy at her place.  We rarely buy a book or magazine. The only thing to make me stop? Shinedown came across the speakers, lol. My parents have books, some leather bound and dusty... oh how I adore the smell and feel of an old book. Mental note: need to "borrow" some from them.

Edward and Jacob from "Twilight" series- I can't help it... Weakness for the tortured guys that you know are sooo wrong, but have the possibility to be sooo right.  I'd have to ignore them both because I would never decide between them. If only there was a way to combine the Shiny with the Shaggy.  Too bad I'm a pedophile for lusting after these teenage characters.

Celebs- a list within my list: Ewan McGregor (the eyes, the voice/accent) Gerard Butler (one word: 300... must stop drooling over guys with muscles, too late), Hugh Jackman (accent), Vin Diesel (shaved head, muscles, deep voice)... The shortest one is 5'10"... I think I see a pattern emerging.

The guy that features in my head at night.  He doesn't have a name, no set height, and I rarely imagine a face.  He's waiting in bed as I crawl in, ready to be snuggled up to.  When I roll over, he sweeps the hair off my neck and kisses my shoulder as I drift back to sleep.  I rarely travel past my half of the bed, even though I know there is no one there. Some nights, it's just to pretend the bed is not that cold; that someone is there to warm it and take the chill out of the covers.  Other nights, it's because I had a bad day and just want to be held-so I imagine arms to wrap around me.  It may not be entirely healthy, and I know it might be what keeps the hopeless romantic in me kicking.  He's just a few pillows and part of my blanket, but I sleep more soundly when I fool myself into thinking there's another heartbeat in the room.  He's there less and less these days.  Perhaps it's for the best.

For those that have a cuddle partner, give them a squeeze for me.  I hope this year is full of love and and cuddles for you.

Odd observance

Ahh... the day after Thanksgiving. Yet again, I was the meal preparer. In addition to my immediate family, an aunt and (new) uncle visited. It was wonderful to have the company, and at the end of the night, my place felt like a tomb. I was grateful for the help from my siblings doing prep and clean up with me. I completely skipped the Black Friday commotion. After the laughs, the stories, the reconnecting... I am too tired to shop. I have realized I am very much a homebody. I guess that is why I have been getting a few more invites to go out with friends. I know they love me, and as one said last week, "I wish I could be like you and just not care". She said this after I was behaving like a teenager, bouncing around and being goofy. I haven't been a teen in almost a decade... and today it struck me that me behaving like a fool means I may just be getting back to being my "normal". Not caring what the world thinks, going against the grain, was at one point the way I lived my life. I stood up proudly, defying the norm. That's again why the title I chose for my page... qualities that are being lost. The world has lost a lot of it's passion, it's genuineness... replaced by deceit and dullness. I lost a lot of my passion, my uniqueness.... replaced by dullness and fear. But I am fixing that.

First one is always the hardest

Here I go again... another blog... another chance to throw pieces of me out into the world. Starting with why I chose the blog name "Perpetually sought, rarely found". It's a phrase I have heard, in some form, used to describe myself. Keep in mind, it's what other people have told me. Most of the time, it is in reference to a personal relationship. Now, don't go thinking I have a big ego. They use the phrase when I behave like someone who truly cares... something society sees less and less of as time goes by. I'm the one that some call in the middle of the night, crying or drunk and needing an ear; the one that knows the good, bad and OMG moments, but won't say a word; the one that refuses to let you believe no one loves you; the protective friend; the goofball; the sweetie... I've held a lot of roles, most of them proudly. But I am nowhere near perfect... That's why I am the one "perpetually sought, rarely found". Too bad a lot of people don't realize I am right here.