From :) to :D

I finished a list, in one evening... makes me think I forgot something (lol). In no real order, other than by subject...

101 Things That Make Me Happy

1. Finding something to be enthusiastic about
Sounds:
2. Purr of a strong engine-blame it on school
3. Listening to songs I like really loudly
4. Singing to those songs, especially when no one can hear me
5. Having my brother (who is being trained in singing, and has a good ear), ask me to sing the lullaby from when he was little
6. Laughter
7. Certain ringtones
8. Rain
9. Heartbeat
People:
10. My friends
11. Being there for my buds when they need me most
12. Hanging with friends
13. The way my sibs vie for weekends at my place (they try to bribe me sometimes)
14. Mutual smiling with a baby
15. Hearing peoples’ stories (how they got a scar, a tattoo, married, etc)
16. Giving my sisters mini-makeovers
17. Pretending to be listening to music with my ear buds in when people are talking about me
18. When artists tell you the inspiration for their works
19. The “I can do it myself” look on people’s faces when I offer help
20. Being surprised by people
21. Acting out stories for kids
22. Long nights with the ones I care about
23. making someone laugh with their mouth full (I’m evil)
24. When I’m late and everyone stops what they are doing to celebrate my arrival
25. having people question my sanity
Sensations:
26. Having people play with my hair
27. Silky sheets
28. Falling/being in love
29. roller coasters
30. Being appreciated
31. Trying something new
32. Gardening
33. Giving presents
34. Getting my hands in clay
35. getting farther through a workout vid
36. possibility that the odd combination that is me may not be entirely unique
37. knowing I have the option to walk through my door and literally strip the day away.
38. when I go from wallflower to normal
39. feeling daring
Events:
40. Being spoiled/pampered
41. Traveling
42. movies
43. no lines when buying something
44. Finding a great deal
45. Finding something I thought I lost
46. Payday
47. Sitting in the snow with hot cocoa
48. Crossing things off my 101/1001
49. Finishing one of my many projects
50. Power blackouts-light those candles!!
51. Fantasizing about my dream house/car/etc
52. Sleeping in
53. Bonfires (with marshmallows LOL)
54. Cooking/experimenting with flavors
55. Swimming
56. horseback riding
57. Looking into someone’s eyes and their pupils dilate (means they like you, or some connection is made-totally subconscious)
58. Cuddling/Kisses/Sex (not that they are one in the same, though they involve strong emotional requirements on my part)
59. making that first footprint in the snow.
Food:
60. Fresh fruit
61. A great steak (bonus if it’s grilled)
62. Coffee
63. Trying someplace new
64. Chocolate
65. Mixed juices
66. Reading the nutritional info and eating it anyways
67. ordering off the menu at fast food places (i.e. The Red/Black Eye at Starbucks, Neopolitan shake at McD’s)
68. anything that requires wet naps and a stack of napkins after eating
69. hot cookies
Things, etc:
70. Song lyrics so I can sing along without being stupid
71. Flowers
72. High heels
73. Cologne
74. Art
75. Real mail
76. Ocean/beach
77. Puzzles
78. Pets
79. Disney World
80. Deluxe bubble bath
81. My one liners
82. Being goofy
83. Dancing in the car
84. Doing something crafty/building something
85. Reading
86. Halloween
87. Cooking for others
88. Hot shower after a long day
89. Writing all the random stuff in my head down
90. Hitting the snooze button multiple times
91. The evil grin that crosses my face when I think of a terrific idea
92. River rafting
93. taking pictures
94. waking up to cute texts
95. being woken up by a phone call from someone in my top 10-no matter the hour
96. candles
97. glasswork
98. Victorian/Steampunk/gothic/celtic designs (kinda a tie)
99. blogging
100. seeing an older couple holding hands
101. that moment right before you realized it was a dream

Glomp!

Handsome and I came to an agreement.
I'm calling being the yellow one. We tried to behave, seriously. Ok, he tried for a little while. Apparently, I am a temptress and caused the poor, sweet, shy guy to go a little outside his norm.
I like being evil that way.
Nine days after massive surgery, he came out to see me. My insides went all jello-y. I knew I was in trouble. I teased we said we were gonna be good.
He stopped.
I attacked.
We decided it's official.

I have a boyfriend that's just oh so sweet. He's got a girlfriend, that's...well...me.

He has no idea what he's just signed on for. (muwahaha)

I can't stop smiling. I can't stop spontaneously giggling. I am enjoying each recent memory of being next to each other. I am going to thoroughly enjoy getting to know this amazing guy.

Under new management

This day's post is under construction.

Content may be returned and/or moved upon completion of project it involves.

The damn bunny has been shot, hung and given to a Red Bud family for dinner.

*no real animals were harmed in the creation of this edit*

If I ever get a speeding ticket...

It's guaranteed to say I was going south.  Every morning, I hit that snooze button until it's do or die. I race to work, speed to my home state if I am expected to visit family or friends, and sometimes when I get a crazy idea to go shopping. My foot turns to lead and I am a fixture in the left hand lane.
Headed north, I'm the polar opposite.  It takes me 10 minutes to get to work, and 20 to return.  That should be clue enough that I dislike my current GPS location.
The reason behind this revelation? I took a look at my financials... I could be debt free, but dirt poor, right now. My car is thisclose to being paid off, and my other loans are low enough I could eradicate them.
So what do I do with this info? I look at newer cars online, see how long it would take to save up a little cash and do something I have always wanted... buy a house. A modest one, but still...
I could fix the "it's not home" feeling I have. Or make it worse if I fail to get that feeling as I shop. My parents want me to build on a portion of their land... I'm hesitant. More fearful of slipping back into the role I had, or that being that close would mean constant visits. I think I might avoid the immediate area until we discuss rules for me to entertain the idea.
I could stay in my current state; just slip a bit down the road.
Or let my wanderlust free.
For now, I'm not looking at houses. I still have a year on my lease. My car is running fine (for now)...
Still... I can dream about it.
A garden in the back, a hammock, my name on the mailbox, my mark in every room... and endless possibilities...

Explains me, a little

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved. -Sonnet 116, Shakespeare

Imagine having your beloved, on bended knee, reciting this to you after a lovely night out. You've been dating a couple months, and it's April 1st. 
My poor father, he got laughed at as he held her hand, pouring his heart out. She thought it was a joke; he was serious.  He was proposing, and was crushed at her reaction. Lucky for him, my mother eventually came around a few months later... and they were married in early October.
I grew up hearing the story and the sonnet... and at one point, had it memorized.  I remember nights, instead of 'Goodnight, Moon', my father read Poe or Shakespeare to me.
It helps to explain how big of a nerd I am.
It wasn't until I was a teenager that I understood the meaning of the sonnet he chose to woo my mom.  Seeing them as their adult child, I can still feel the adoration he has for her.
It amazes me.
And it makes me realize that the ability he has to feel that much, for so long, is something he has somehow passed on to me. It's one of those things I look forward to having tested, to see if I am right.
Falling in love is easy... staying in love... that takes work.  My father's work ethic has never been questioned. It's another trait he passed on to all of the kids. But his intensity came with a price.
See, I don't remember my parents ever having parties or company come over to play games or socialize. My mother was a social butterfly (Two had to have gotten that trait from somewhere), but my father has always been content to just have her and the kids around. His world revolves around her. I know, as morbid as it may seem, that when she goes, he will be very shortly behind her. He cannot function without her, nor will he entertain the idea.
That's too intense for me. But I can see how he got that way. I know my mother is his first real love, and he married her.  I tried to imagine if I had followed the same path, if I would be the same. Then again, having known heartache, it's hard to imagine. But for Three, she might have this possibility...
In a way, I can accurately say that it's the way I approach my friendships.  I have kept long term buds, and through the years have not lost my feelings for them. I never tried to change them, took them for who they are and who they want to be.  I've had people who tried to get in the way and break the ties I made with them, but have realized it just isn't going to happen. Poor buds... you have a life sentence of me giving a shit and popping up sporatically.

For me... I only hope that what I read into the quote, I can offer to someone, someday.  Just not on April Fools.

There's a reason why...

I logged on a few moments ago, after a long day.  Red lent me a book (so I am sure I will be cursing her name soon-yes, it is that kind of book), and I totally forgot I had it as my weekend was full of family and a slightly upset stomach. Seeing the book made me think of the days that I used to write similar stories, and if I think I will ever again. That lead to thoughts of writing in general, and my blog.  So I decided I would post about how and why I write things, to give my (little) audience another peek in my head.
Red beat me to it... almost verbatim to the ideas in my head.
LA: Unabridged and Annotated: Unsent Letters
This is the second time in a week she has done this. There is a reason she is a proud member of my clique... she just needs to quit being in my head! Seriously, hun... if I had had a normal 8 hour day, this post would have been MINE! Of course, I know she usually edits hers days in advance... so yes, I concede the fact she wrote it first. But how is it she knew to post it 15 minutes before I got out of work, and was finishing my thought process?
Spooky... very spooky...

I need to buy a lotto ticket

And it must win.
I perused my 101 today... some things are just not going to happen, or need to happen very quickly.  I realized quite a few require me researching and purchasing items- (HELP!). Why on earth are so many centered around cash requirements?! Okay, so I will try to stash some moolah aside. I need to admit defeat on some.
#9 Get over my picture phobia.  I don't have 365 days to accurately do the project.
#13 Visit Ireland. Probably not going to happen before the end of the year. Especially since I already have a vacay planned.
#26 Get my life on track. This involves going back to school... I procrastinate... a lot.
#27 Bowl a 200 game. My old league average was 170 (?), moved too far from my gals to afford the weekly meets.
#48 Missed out on Mardi Gras, was at work.
I need to work on a few of these. Let's see... I can pop on whitening strips while I make a list of things that make me smile while walking outside (it rained earlier, hence muddy).  Nah.  I know, I can go to a wine tasting and renew my Century Club membership... Oh heck NO!
Hmmm... Maybe I can combine #39 and #43... break into someone's backyard and use their trampoline.
Or I could head to WalMart and buy a goldfish, and stop for my lucky lotto ticket.
I'm open to suggestions...

Patience is a virtue

Woot.com "Winning the Race"

Handsome and I have agreed to slow it down.  I felt it needed to be said (prior to our date). We're both in need of time to just figure each other out. I'm unsure how much he knows about me.  I gave him access to my pages, and he has a mutual friend that will tell him almost anything he'd want to know.  Even the stuff he might be too scared to ask me directly (which to those that know me understand almost any topic is ok by me).  He might think I'm just warm for his form... but there's reasons he deserved the title of  'Handsome'-and very few are physical. Though he is not lacking in that department.

As for other things over the last 24 hours, my college called asking for money. I told them just as soon as the Career Center can get me the job I deserve and they stop issuing parking tickets to me when I've not been on campus.

Work has been rough... I've been getting the hard stuff lately, and it's affecting my productivity. So has being made to work 12 days straight for fear of getting wrote up before raises are decided on.

Two and I went shopping.  She turned me into a big Barbie doll. Then she bought my stuff.  I'll get her back.

Three called to remind me that the family has laid claim to me for Sunday. That might be the day I see Alice in Wonderland. 

I have a birthday party on Friday, but need to be a little hush since she reads my pages.

This is going to be a nice weekend... no work and some time to chill.

From FoaF to Handsome

I don't intend on making this a regular thing... just that I cannot get it out of my mind... or want to.
Imagine passing by a specialty shop every day, and seeing an item you immediately, uncontrollably wanted. Pick anything that sparks your fancy. But you don't have time to run in, and you don't see a price tag.  So you walk past, going to school or work, occasionally stopping by the window as the days pass.  Some days the item has little signs, "On Special", "Act Fast", "Currently Out of Stock", etc. Other days, it's missing entirely and the shop is closed. Then you decide, three minutes... three minutes, I march in to that store.... I don't care the price, I've saved enough and learned enough to possibly care for [insert the object of your lust].  (Sorry, my imagination ran away from me)
Less than 20 minutes after entering my door, FoaF asked me to a concert (which I said yes, and hoped I didn't squeak when I agreed in case he was thinking as 'just a bud').  I (finally) mustered a little courage and told him I had a crush on him. Then the floodgates opened and I found myself confessing anything and everything. Like the fact that my crush was a very long one, that I had written him a note recently confessing it, giving him the very first rough draft of said note since the original got mangled in the mail, and telling him that I read his blog. So technically... he did make the first move. [And OMG... for the first time, I was the askee for a date.]
 I.could.not.stop.touching.him. He teased that in under 20 minutes, he'd gotten lots of hugs and a few kisses on the cheek from me. I decided I had to up the ante... and pondered offering a real kiss to get to sit in his car-in the driver's seat. I decided to not be that bold, but did ask to sit in his car.  I kept thinking, "Just freaking do it... go in for a kiss.  I can't embarass myself any further. Maybe then I can shut the hell up". Then he slid in, and he went in for the kiss. If you've read other entries, you know about the one on V-day (which I decided not to move). Let's say... why the hell didn't I do this sooner?!! I tried to behave and hold back, but my body gave me away.
It was just a little moan, a tiny sigh, a teeny eyelid tremble as our lips were meshing. It was all he needed to know I was hooked, and that he had permission to be a bit more aggressive. I melted more as we continued to smooch. My mind racing, my hands desperately seeking any inch of skin he foolishly let be bare, my knees buckling as I tried to push myself closer, closer, and closer still.
His poor shirt... my teeth ripped a hole as the night progressed, and I think I stretched it out as I kept pulling it to bring myself or him closer.  My poor neck, nose and lips.... boy burned and bit.
He's the reason the noise didn't stop until the early morning... because we didn't stop pawing, talking, kissing and playing until my alarm went off. We spent the hours rarely more than a foot from each other.
I wasn't exactly a "good girl", but he managed to keep me from going too far.  {Must learn that trick- I used to be able to behave.... then again how many times do you get to kiss someone that's been on your "Lust List" for so long?}
So now I have my phantom touches... the sensations repeating themselves with the slightest of movements.  Sunday's OT was interesting.... my work ex-husband was the first to see me, completely exhausted with a low ponytail and marks on my neck.  The smile on my face as I walked up to the door silenced him before he could utter a sound.
My lunch clique decended on me and laughed at the sheepish grin as I told them barely anything other than what they could see and that I hadn't slept.
All day, my body fought against the sleep deprivation. All day, the cool air from the vent above me felt like his fingers on my neck and arms.  I caught myself twice tracing circles around the marks on my neck, teasing the bruised skin. My eyes closed for a moment, and his lips were there... and I made a noise loud enough to resonate over the clicking of the keyboards around me. I had four cups of coffee in a feeble attempt to look normal.  My hand twitched, not from caffeine, but revulsion at not being held by his.  I could not blink, lest I see his eyes looking into mine as we were pressed up to each other.
I finally got to sleep... a nap I needed so badly when my day ended.  I woke up 8 hours later.  I never sleep 8 hours... I live on 4-6.  I dozed until my alarm went off... but my mind was recharged... and I awoke many times gasping at the phantom touches. His nails dragging along my thighs... his hands giving a slight tug to my hair, my legs wrapped around his waist. Then the fantasies started... thoughts of what we hadn't done... but might if things continue to click.  But I am forcing myself to think short term, see how it goes as time goes on.  If we get there... then we'll both sleep soundly on whatever night after we've satiated each other.
I have muscles that have never hurt before screaming, "I'm here" with every breath or step.  Though the clothes didn't come off, they did get shifted... a lot.  I screamed a bit too... about 31 times... I am officially calling the previous drought over... and curious as to when or where the next storm will hit.
I only expected him to be my eye candy for the night, not a sweet dessert.

Cross off #12

12. Throw an amazing party, Check.
Thanks to my wonderful buds and some yummy cooking.  Everyone seemed to enjoy the food, and fun was had by all. We had so much fun that the cops were called.  I had a phone call on Sunday and Monday from my leasing office... warning me to keep the noise down and that the official report states that people were stomping and loud noises were heard until 5 am. I apologized and suggested that they tell my neighbors to contact me first if I am disrupting them. See, no one officially came to my door to complain.  So, sorry neighbors, but it might happen again if you don't have the guts to tell me yourself.
So with the exception of Febtober (see the new list in the sidebar), all my peeps were there. We played games, caught up, had a few drinks... Lots of laughs and hugs. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I was to see them all.  Even if they all showed up fashionably late. I still love you! So too all my guests... THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING THE NIGHT WONDERFUL! I agree, it must be repeated... a lot!
And if you're wondering about the entry Handsome in the list... it used to be FoaF.  More on him later. We have a date Thursday... he gets a whole post to himself tomorrow.
To Baby, thank you the flowers... they are making my bedroom feel all girly.  You really didn't need to clean my dishes...
Two, thanks for the help in prep and clean up.  With my crazy hours, I need it... and you came through for me. Everyone... I'll say it again.... I luv you all, and thank you for luving me.

Anniversary Three

Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration. ~ Charles Dickens

One never reaches home, but wherever friendly paths intersect the whole world looks like home for a time. ~ Hermann Hesse

"This is my temporary home. It's not where I belong. Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going. I'm not afraid because I know this is my Temporary Home."-song, Carrie Underwood 'Temporary Home'

Today is a multiple year anniversary for me living in my own place. I have yet to feel at home. I've caught myself not saying, "I'm heading home", but rather, "I'm going back to my apartment/place".
Home is something I have not felt in a very long time, even before I moved out of my parents' house. I know I will not find it in the things I fill my space with. The closest I get to that feeling is when I am with my long term friends. That feeling is something I have been searching for, but cannot seem to find. I know I have felt it before, and some event or situation ripped that away. I have no idea when I lost that sense, because it has been absent for so long.
The funny thing is, I know that to my parents' and two of my siblings, I am the bearer of that sense of home.  They call me every weekend, wanting me to visit... wanting me to move back in permanently. I constantly hear about how things are not running well, that they need me, want me around, will barter to bring me back... but I say "no" every time.  While I may bring that sense of home to them, they don't bring that same sense to me.  I love them, and don't undstand why I can't draw that feeling from being with them.  I have no idea where "home" is for me, or if I will ever find it again. But I can hope, and maybe that hope will be a strong enough call to get an answer.