Anniversary Three

Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration. ~ Charles Dickens

One never reaches home, but wherever friendly paths intersect the whole world looks like home for a time. ~ Hermann Hesse

"This is my temporary home. It's not where I belong. Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going. I'm not afraid because I know this is my Temporary Home."-song, Carrie Underwood 'Temporary Home'

Today is a multiple year anniversary for me living in my own place. I have yet to feel at home. I've caught myself not saying, "I'm heading home", but rather, "I'm going back to my apartment/place".
Home is something I have not felt in a very long time, even before I moved out of my parents' house. I know I will not find it in the things I fill my space with. The closest I get to that feeling is when I am with my long term friends. That feeling is something I have been searching for, but cannot seem to find. I know I have felt it before, and some event or situation ripped that away. I have no idea when I lost that sense, because it has been absent for so long.
The funny thing is, I know that to my parents' and two of my siblings, I am the bearer of that sense of home.  They call me every weekend, wanting me to visit... wanting me to move back in permanently. I constantly hear about how things are not running well, that they need me, want me around, will barter to bring me back... but I say "no" every time.  While I may bring that sense of home to them, they don't bring that same sense to me.  I love them, and don't undstand why I can't draw that feeling from being with them.  I have no idea where "home" is for me, or if I will ever find it again. But I can hope, and maybe that hope will be a strong enough call to get an answer.