Dang it's quiet...

The danger in having so much time by myself is that I fill a lot of it with introspection. Some people would kill for time to just sit and think. I sit and complain about it. I try to condense and analyze all my moods, to figure out what's going on with me, and sometimes I find something.
I lay blame on the usual suspects, and sometimes I'm right... Sometimes I'm half-right.... A few times I am completely off the mark. Lately, it's been an even mix of all the above.
So after a day full of scheduling and planning for the next vacation, I sit here... trying not to think. I want whatever answers I seek... What to to with my life, how to get there, how to find more happy moments, how much is enough for me to stop bitching, the list goes on ad nauseam. But tonight, I am not going to try to hunt them down. Nor do I plan to go digging tomorrow. Though I agree the answers should be easier to find, for now I will let them elude me.
Instead, I'm finding things to focus on. Like my GRE book. After polishing off both my friends' books, I think my mind needs other entertainment. One needed two of a series returned so they can entice the imagination of a peer, see their post here.  I will likely return the other bud's book when next we meet up.
For now, I remain in what feels like a holding pattern. Only now, it is by choice. Suddenly, it's not so bad.
So until I try to venture through the cloudy waters, just know that I am ok... I'm just taking a breather when it comes to the big stuff. I'm not going to disappear, just not drive myself nuts with so many thoughts.

Another Monday!

Why I aught to...

I've been cranky lately. Three is not helping out. I usually am at my parents' place over the weekend, mostly because 1) they ask me to, and 2) I want to be around people. Three is a tomboy, at least she was until she realized her boyfriend was going away...soon. He's going out of state for college. Now she gets all jazzed up and cares about how things fit. Freaky. He called while we were on our way, to let her know when he had some days off. She was lovey-dovey, and I was making gagging sounds.
Then she got me pissed. Her comment of, "You're just no where near ready for what I have", made me want to laugh and then deck her. This KID is telling me she's ready for a lasting commitment, with both of us knowing that neither of them have ever gone through any really tough times. Oh, you were grounded for two weeks and couldn't see your sweetheart, my heart bleeds for you. Try moving into a house and the big bread winner loses their job and refuses to even look until they feel they have had enough of a 'vacation' when really they're spiraling into a depression that changes your relationship. Just wait til the first time your honey cancels on you, rather than being his usual whipped self. I know how much of a control-freak she is. I know I am going to get a phone call asking me to pick her up because he's acting weird.  They are in their early twenties, when personalities, likes, dislikes, etc become more stable. She only in the last couple years got out of her horrible teenage phase. She's telling me that's she's more mature, more individually formed, and more stable than I. To add insult, she quipped, "I at least have my life in order. I'll get my degree, make lots of money, we'll live in Florida...."
I'm curious to see of she can make it through the time needed for them to finish their degrees. But at least I got to voice the fact that I have known a long time that my job is not going to be my source of happiness. I'm not wired that way. To understand it, you have to know my father. He changes jobs like changing underwear. I grew up understanding that it's the people I surround myself with, give me joy. A job is a job (I just want one that pays more, lol). Guess that's why both of us have gotten burned, trusting bosses/coworkers/friends...
But Three is staking everything on their jobs. I don't remember the last time she went out with gal pals, or anywhere not involving family or Mr THS. Their relationship better work out. After all these snide comments she throws my way, I don't know if I have sympathy for her. She better get accepted to the school she wants, or else she might break knowing her master plan will be off.
So I sit here with a shovel to dig her out if need be. But if she keeps being stuck up, I might bonk her on the head with it. Sucks to be the older sibling.

I LMAO...

One day, I'll be able to do more than half-smile and sheepishly say, "Thanks" when given a compliment. At least I have progressed past contradicting them!

Books, like friends, should be few and well-chosen

I have been waking up at odd hours, a book either on the floor or somewhere on my body. Thank you so much to two of my buds, for letting me borrow materials. It feels good to have my creative side scratching at the surface. It's comforting to experience things with a little bit of space between myself and the events portrayed. I can get lost without losing myself.

Sometimes, I just don't want to deal with what's looming in front of me. I grab a book. Other times, I want to chill out. I grab a book. Lately, it's been the best way for me to fall asleep when my insomnia hits. Usually, I get wrapped up in the story and sometimes read through the night. For the past couple weeks, I've been lucky to get an hour in before I'm snoring.

So thanks for the sleep, for getting my mind going, and opening new experiences.

Monday!

When sleep is good

If growing up is the process of creating ideas and dreams about what life should be, then maturity is letting go again. -Mary Beth Danielson

The good thing about being so absolutely exhausted I fall asleep quickly is that I tend to dream. The latest one left a smile on my face.
I'm in a large SUV, driving along and singing. I recognize the street I'm on as one that a gal pals lives on. She's outside with a large messenger bag and her hunny. I stop and they pile in, slinging the bag into the back. This continues until I have all my friends and their respective loves in my car. We're all rocking out to the music, arms bumping in the air. They're all chatting with eachother, then look confused as almost in one voice, ask me, "Where are we headed?".
I smile and quip, "South, very south."
We take turns driving the massive beast of a vehicle, with me telling them what highways to take and for how long. We rest for the night in a comfy suite, all of them trusting me with the secret I am keeping. In the morning, we load up on the free breakfast and stash a few goodies for the conclusion of our drive.
Then the big reveal: I slide a CD into the player, and "What's This" from Nightmare Before Christmas blares.  My smile is immense as they piece my diabolical plan together. For as the song plays, they get in character and take note of everything around them, including the gigantic boat coming into view.
If I could, I'd kidnap them all for a week long cruise. But I know schedules don't allow it, much less my budget. But I can at least dream about being a mastermind to happy days for the ones I care about.

You Tease!

I see you over there. I see you waving at me. You know I want you. Right here, right now. I want to run my fingers all over you and enjoy your scent as it wafts toward my nose. My mouth is watering, just thinking about my lips touching you.
But you're determined to make me wait... taunting me with side glances and slight bobs. It's so much worse when I have to walk past, and the subtle sweetness of you tickles my nostrils. I stop and admire you, beginning to nibble on my lip... wishing you were there. Wishing you were ready, cursing that I have to wait. Please, let me just give you one loving touch without risk of damaging you. I'll hold back my voracious tendencies and slowly enjoy you.
I promise, I'll take tiny nibbles... I'll breathe you in deep as you rest against my mouth. My tongue will gently part my lips for that first taste of you. I'm restless with thoughts of you, seeing you right there... so close I can just extend my arms to caress you. But I know you're so delicate right now, and you need time to get a bit stronger. So for now, I let you just hang with your friends. But soon, soon I will pull you away.
I'll relish in the moisture of your naked flesh against my palm. I'll fight the urge to pull you quickly to my mouth. I'll study the shadows of your shape, enjoying the view of every curve and dip.
When the anticipation becomes too much, and I can feel myself surrendering to my primal desires... When I've waited long enough to let you swell to your full potential... When I can finally let you roll against my undulating tongue... Right before my lips close around you and I grant myself a sense of release... I'll close my eyes to focus entirely on how you taste. Yummmm.
I want that strawberry to ripen!!!  And that's not a play on words. My plant has one that is slowly getting bigger. Hope you enjoyed, sorry it wasn't as good as my better stuff. ;)

Mind is sputtering thoughts...

Randomness abounds in my exhausted head. I thought I would quickly post to let you know I intend to post more regularly. With that, enjoy an un-edited entry!
Tidbits I need to remember: They say the drunk mind tells the truth... again, I never follow the norm. Mine lies, exaggerates, delves into the darker recesses of itself when not focused appropriately. I can only apologize, and mean for no one to take offense/worry at what spew from my vocal chords. I am not diverting responsibilty (call me on whatever idiotic thing I do); just know that drunk me is NOT me.
Do not read items that makes my imagination run wild, late at night. It's worse than dirty videos. I have a freaking test to study for! I don't want to be shown as a dumbass! As a side note, I need to write more. So I will find a notebook and start filling it with the "fun" thoughts, rather than type and delete. I need to return a certain red book-lest I tempt myself again.
Came back to a green door and one of the maintenance guys lounging outside my (unlocked) apartment.  Management wants to have the tenants start up a Neighborhood Watch, I want a new neighborhood.
I am hitting obstacle after obstacle in my quest for self-improvement. The local school called, tuition is a bit pricey and my chosen area does not do stipends. Looked for a second job, nothing good popped up. Will try again. Pulled a muscle over-doing it exercising. Bought a rice krispy treat for lunch. Tried to find my cousin via other family members' network sites-no luck.
Surrender has become a mini-motto of late. I will have to more quietly make my plans for world domination, while diverting much attention away from frivolous pursuits. I learned long ago to stop chasing what is not there. Other missions are to be completed. This applies to all my external inclinations. Hardest one to let go of: house versus school (will be leaning toward school-yes it costs THAT much); easiest: shutting and locking the part of me I have been working hard to smash down. I fear I may be "bitchy" more, or at least cynical. New mindsets are being set in place for the general population. You have nothing to fear.
My work schedule is screwy for the rest of this month and next, by design. July might be "normal", with August and beyond requiring random days off (hence why I am trying to get in contact with a cousin- I want to plan a visit).
Other oddities abound, but fatigue is setting in.

I am my mother's daughter

She's been a source of anger and pain, and the only one to listen and understand some of my tragedies.
She's dealt with more shit, and at a much younger age, than I ever would have thought possible. Her health has never been her strong point, and I have dealt with a lot of it over the years. One of my favorites was having to help her off the couch as she was pregnant with each of my siblings. The worst health related...
She fell, over 800 miles from home, and it subsequently ended her career over a decade ago. She had to return home, and I had to care for her. I was the one to force her to do her stretches, walk outside, and sometimes eat because the depression was too much.  I used the same tactics she used on me as I was growing up. There was the standard 'Hands on the Hips' maneuver, the 'Just Wait until your husband hears about what you've done' threats, and the calm moments of just holding her as the tears flowed. More recently, I'm her 'substitute cuddle buddy' when she's not feeling good and dad is away at work.
With a lot of the horror stories of my past, she quite literally has gone through them in her own past. The problems I had in a certain aspect of my life, I have unknowingly followed in her footsteps. So when the last great drama over a year ago occurred, she just wrapped her arms around me and whispered, "I know it hurts, but it will heal".
She taught me how to garden, run finances, and to let hurtful remarks roll of my back. She showed me how to braid hair and bread, how to care for an infant, knit and cut coupons. She's lead by example that sometimes the best thing out there is just within your reach.
My father delights in the fact that all his daughters wake up the same way as his wife, along with other shared mannerisms. We all have the slightly cocked, hands on the hips stance when aggitated. We all, thankfully, can cook better than her. We all have her ability to see past what is in front of us, and see what it could be.
I've seen her at her worst, and been her worst enemy.  Though at times we may still be at war, I cannot deny that I am lot like her.  I can stand up to someone who's only goal is to cut me down, and laugh.  I can eventually let go of pain so great it would crush most people. Like her, I squirrel away a bit of money and forget about it, only to find it months later when I need it.  Other aspects, I have yet to see if we are the same.
But for now, I will relish in that I have managed to inherit most of her amazing qualities, and tempered a few of the not-so-good ones we share.
Happy Mother's Day.