I'm considering doing something really really REALLY dumb.
It involves the internet... and potentially a photo.
I tried it before.
It wasn't pretty, hence why I think it's dumb.
But, ummm.... maybe it'll work this time. I mean, one in five (?) relationships start online. Statistically, that means mine should be one that starts that way. Four of my buds are in relationships that didn't start over the internet...
Ok, I'm grasping at straws. You have a better idea? I asked co-workers, and they suggested I get a pet. No, I can't get a pet. Red would be allergic, and my apartment is a bit small for the one I want. Besides, most guys are toilet trained, right?
So do you want to stop me?
Or help me write the profile?
Or else I try speed dating. I have a single gal pal I might be able to convince to join me.
Keep in mind, you likely have almost a month before I spring into action. By then, I might cool off or give up. I want a little affection, learn new things about someone, see if any part of their personality rub off on me... I can't cuddle with my buds overnight (their sweeties would get jealous- or grab a video camera). I kinda want an excuse to get dolled up, the excitement of something new, some light kissing/flirting. Maybe this time, I can get it right. I got a small taste of being that giddy person I like... I wonder if I can get that feeling back.
At least I'm not even considering Craigslist or something like that. I'm after more than a night, or two or three... you know this.
But I am thinking of using a free site, or trial membership.
First things first... my big test... then maybe a date. I'm not lonely, I'm selective. I'm also tired of entertaining myself. I'm tired of fighting my desire to love and be loved...
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
For my buds
I have been lucky to spend time with my friends on individual times this month. I was reflecting on it when my radio went silent. No music means my mind wanders... I found myself writing.
It was happenstance that we met. It was luck I was able to make you smile. It was coincidence that we had similar tastes. The synchronicity of our lives, hopes, and dreams make me ponder. Though I question if fate exists, I find happy thoughts that my good fortune is calling you friend.
So, though I may wish to tell you every time we talk, I don't. But here, you can visit the following words as much as you want:
I appreciate you in ways I cannot convey
I miss you the moment I walk away
We carry parts of each other in our individual tasks
You are one of few I have let see past my masks
Each of you knows my secrets, and they are not all the same
Some are outrageous, others are tame
So if you have a bad day, or just need a kind word
I offer a hug, and a chance to be heard
It was happenstance that we met. It was luck I was able to make you smile. It was coincidence that we had similar tastes. The synchronicity of our lives, hopes, and dreams make me ponder. Though I question if fate exists, I find happy thoughts that my good fortune is calling you friend.
So, though I may wish to tell you every time we talk, I don't. But here, you can visit the following words as much as you want:
I appreciate you in ways I cannot convey
I miss you the moment I walk away
We carry parts of each other in our individual tasks
You are one of few I have let see past my masks
Each of you knows my secrets, and they are not all the same
Some are outrageous, others are tame
So if you have a bad day, or just need a kind word
I offer a hug, and a chance to be heard
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Continuation from yesterday....
If there is a hard way to do something, I will find it. I'm crafty (as in knitting, sewing, gardening, baking/cooking, etc). My sister buys cookie dough, I mix it myself. I knitted my sister wristlets over the weekend, rather than try to shop for them. My parents' dishwashing machine was fixed after I moved out. My touch is all over that slowly degrading house.
Every weekend I am at there, they need me to do something. We have an agreement, I get to wash my clothes there, they get guaranteed time. It keeps Febtober from conveniently washing the same load over and over. Every time I open their door, it's not "hey, I'm here to do a fun activity or just hang out". It's "what needs to be done... what chore is not completed, what's broken, what needs to be addressed by me because no one else sees it?" My parents and brother generally sleep in until the crack of noon. I arrive at their place no later than nine in the morning, after showering and packing what I need to take. I get to leave usually by ten at night, after finally getting my laundry done and we have returned from some sort of outing (that magically always occurs right before I can put my load in the dryer after doing two of theirs). Yet, that's not the problem. I actually enjoy finding some of the projects.
But the draining factor... for over twenty years, neither one of my parents has consistently done a household chore by themself or at all. All of the children are beyond the "learning phase". Because of this, any time one of them asks me to "help out"-aka do it for them, my energy level instantly drops. In reality, they don't have the luxury of being lazy. No chore is complete and the list keeps growing. But my mother is physically unable to do some things. It upsets me that she doesn't even try. I have suggested that they need to get rid of the "country home" because they obviously cannot keep up. I have been a good daughter, and helped out when they needed it (like when someone was sick/out of town/a large project was underway), but I keep waiting for them to find some sort of effective groove. My parents tell me what is important to them, and where they are lacking... but don't do jack to fix the 'problems'. In fact, it's worse.
I can't swoop in to "save" them. I have my own life, my own dreams... yet this is my family... even when my dreams are to start one of my own, how do I justify continually abandoning them? {That feeling I have, I might address later}
Is it any wonder that when I have a day off (and have lied to my family about being busy), I revert to simple things? Playing in the dirt on my balcony, making pretzels to take to work, reading, knitting, etc. I tend to shy away from short-cuts. My cell has so many roll over minutes, I could talk all month and not worry. I wonder why I have the thing, and realize it's because I don't always check my email. I live a bit far away to drop notes in my friends' doors, so I text them or blog here-same idea, newer delivery method. It also explains why I get a weird look on my face when my buds are done for the night after a couple hours. I'm quite accustomed to going full speed until I crash out. Guess they need more beauty sleep, lol.
I grew up that way, and remember many nights reading by candlelight because the light in my bedroom was too bright and would keep my dad up. I don't dream of finding a cute house, I fully anticipate having to build one. It's part of why I want to get a MArch. If I fail to get a great job (again), I can at least design a house I can hopefully build before I die.
I'm tired of doing the vacation planning, keeping the kids on task, noticing another leak in the roof... So while a friend dreams of things that remind me of my teen years, I realize that while I may agree... I want to find reasons to use my phone more often. So :P
Every weekend I am at there, they need me to do something. We have an agreement, I get to wash my clothes there, they get guaranteed time. It keeps Febtober from conveniently washing the same load over and over. Every time I open their door, it's not "hey, I'm here to do a fun activity or just hang out". It's "what needs to be done... what chore is not completed, what's broken, what needs to be addressed by me because no one else sees it?" My parents and brother generally sleep in until the crack of noon. I arrive at their place no later than nine in the morning, after showering and packing what I need to take. I get to leave usually by ten at night, after finally getting my laundry done and we have returned from some sort of outing (that magically always occurs right before I can put my load in the dryer after doing two of theirs). Yet, that's not the problem. I actually enjoy finding some of the projects.
But the draining factor... for over twenty years, neither one of my parents has consistently done a household chore by themself or at all. All of the children are beyond the "learning phase". Because of this, any time one of them asks me to "help out"-aka do it for them, my energy level instantly drops. In reality, they don't have the luxury of being lazy. No chore is complete and the list keeps growing. But my mother is physically unable to do some things. It upsets me that she doesn't even try. I have suggested that they need to get rid of the "country home" because they obviously cannot keep up. I have been a good daughter, and helped out when they needed it (like when someone was sick/out of town/a large project was underway), but I keep waiting for them to find some sort of effective groove. My parents tell me what is important to them, and where they are lacking... but don't do jack to fix the 'problems'. In fact, it's worse.
I can't swoop in to "save" them. I have my own life, my own dreams... yet this is my family... even when my dreams are to start one of my own, how do I justify continually abandoning them? {That feeling I have, I might address later}
Is it any wonder that when I have a day off (and have lied to my family about being busy), I revert to simple things? Playing in the dirt on my balcony, making pretzels to take to work, reading, knitting, etc. I tend to shy away from short-cuts. My cell has so many roll over minutes, I could talk all month and not worry. I wonder why I have the thing, and realize it's because I don't always check my email. I live a bit far away to drop notes in my friends' doors, so I text them or blog here-same idea, newer delivery method. It also explains why I get a weird look on my face when my buds are done for the night after a couple hours. I'm quite accustomed to going full speed until I crash out. Guess they need more beauty sleep, lol.
I grew up that way, and remember many nights reading by candlelight because the light in my bedroom was too bright and would keep my dad up. I don't dream of finding a cute house, I fully anticipate having to build one. It's part of why I want to get a MArch. If I fail to get a great job (again), I can at least design a house I can hopefully build before I die.
I'm tired of doing the vacation planning, keeping the kids on task, noticing another leak in the roof... So while a friend dreams of things that remind me of my teen years, I realize that while I may agree... I want to find reasons to use my phone more often. So :P
Monday, June 21, 2010
Just a snippet...
Here's just a tiny teaser of last weekend.
Mom: Oh, that's a pretty planner! May I see it?
Two: Yeah, it's got all my events and keeps me on task so I can do what I need to do.
Mom:( Feverishly scrawling in the calendar, updating and editing entries.)
Two: What are you DOING?!!
Mom: I see here that you're going to come visit the family every day this week and spend the weekend with us! That makes me so happy!!
Me:(looking at Two, smirking) You asked for it. Mine's electronic, and password protected. She misses her number two be-be.
Now, if I can just not answer the phone when they call.... I may find time to recharge. I love them all dearly... but feel completely drained from so much "family time".
Mom: Oh, that's a pretty planner! May I see it?
Two: Yeah, it's got all my events and keeps me on task so I can do what I need to do.
Mom:( Feverishly scrawling in the calendar, updating and editing entries.)
Two: What are you DOING?!!
Mom: I see here that you're going to come visit the family every day this week and spend the weekend with us! That makes me so happy!!
Me:(looking at Two, smirking) You asked for it. Mine's electronic, and password protected. She misses her number two be-be.
Now, if I can just not answer the phone when they call.... I may find time to recharge. I love them all dearly... but feel completely drained from so much "family time".
Sunday, June 20, 2010
I am my father's daughter
He's the parent I have been around the most. When my mother left to pursue her career, in hopes we would shortly follow, she left us with only him as acting parent.
My father and I are both the eldest of multiple children, so there was an understanding from birth of what my duties and responsibilities were. I learned at thirteen how to change a tire and do basic house repairs. I learned at four to not piss him off. At fifteen, I learned how to not back down if we got in a fight. And there were lots of fights. Especially when mom wasn't there.
He's also the parent that basically said, "So long as you can function and do what is needed of you, you can stay out as late as you want". There were many nights I didn't return until daybreak. I learned how to function on three hours of sleep (or no sleep) for days at a time. A few lessons I learned from him the hard way still linger in painful memories, but forgiveness is something I had to teach myself.
He instilled a love of old literature, and a thirst for knowledge, in me. He taught me that no one, not even him, can tell me I can't do something. He made me cocky when it came to school. He failed to prepare me for heartache. I know (and he admits) that he hoped I would never notice boys. He taught me how to not let fear stop me from doing something that needs to be done. He's scared of heights and swimming, yet fixes the roof, built his family a pool and goes on family cruises.
He showed me how to cut someone down without them realizing they were being dissed. He showed me how to defend myself verbally and physically. He stayed up late with me as a grade-schooler to watch Dr Who, Red Dwarf, Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, etc and discuss what we had seen. He taught me how to grill, shuck hot corn, get every last bit of meat off of bones and that the baby always get fed first. Through his own career, he showed me a job is just a job. There are more important choices to be focused on.
He's been the one to hold me when I'm cold, watch out for me when I get in trouble, and make sure that I can handle anything that life throws at me. He taught me I am a lot stronger than I think, physically and mentally. He's made all of his girls swear to marry someone better than he is, but to make sure Mr Right has the qualities we like in dad.
But deep down, I know he hopes we'll always be his little girls that need daddy to protect them. Too bad he taught me how to be independent.
Happy Father's Day.
My father and I are both the eldest of multiple children, so there was an understanding from birth of what my duties and responsibilities were. I learned at thirteen how to change a tire and do basic house repairs. I learned at four to not piss him off. At fifteen, I learned how to not back down if we got in a fight. And there were lots of fights. Especially when mom wasn't there.
He's also the parent that basically said, "So long as you can function and do what is needed of you, you can stay out as late as you want". There were many nights I didn't return until daybreak. I learned how to function on three hours of sleep (or no sleep) for days at a time. A few lessons I learned from him the hard way still linger in painful memories, but forgiveness is something I had to teach myself.
He instilled a love of old literature, and a thirst for knowledge, in me. He taught me that no one, not even him, can tell me I can't do something. He made me cocky when it came to school. He failed to prepare me for heartache. I know (and he admits) that he hoped I would never notice boys. He taught me how to not let fear stop me from doing something that needs to be done. He's scared of heights and swimming, yet fixes the roof, built his family a pool and goes on family cruises.
He showed me how to cut someone down without them realizing they were being dissed. He showed me how to defend myself verbally and physically. He stayed up late with me as a grade-schooler to watch Dr Who, Red Dwarf, Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, etc and discuss what we had seen. He taught me how to grill, shuck hot corn, get every last bit of meat off of bones and that the baby always get fed first. Through his own career, he showed me a job is just a job. There are more important choices to be focused on.
He's been the one to hold me when I'm cold, watch out for me when I get in trouble, and make sure that I can handle anything that life throws at me. He taught me I am a lot stronger than I think, physically and mentally. He's made all of his girls swear to marry someone better than he is, but to make sure Mr Right has the qualities we like in dad.
But deep down, I know he hopes we'll always be his little girls that need daddy to protect them. Too bad he taught me how to be independent.
Happy Father's Day.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Pop Quiz
Get those fingers flexed. One point for every correct answer.
In the last year:
All 10 (possibly 11): You're family.
7-9 : You ROCK!
4-6 : There's this thing called a phone... call me.
below 4: What's your name again?
Ok, prize time...
Pick a topic for a future post. I feel like having a deep, emotional story told.
In the last year:
- Have you heard me sing? (Bonus points if you know all the words to the 2 songs I sing the most)
- Seen me in a dress? (Pictures do not count!!)
- Own a picture of me (as in you took it or have a hard copy)?
- Been kissed by me? (on the cheek counts)
- Have I cooked/baked for you?
- My middle name?
- If I ever failed a class, what was it?
- My cell phone carrier?
- The grad degree I am aiming for?
- What my favorite thing about you is?
All 10 (possibly 11): You're family.
7-9 : You ROCK!
4-6 : There's this thing called a phone... call me.
below 4: What's your name again?
Ok, prize time...
Pick a topic for a future post. I feel like having a deep, emotional story told.
- My first time
- Why I am the only one in the family that does not want to be in the medical field
- My personal problems with blogging
- Songs that remind me of my friends
Sunday, June 13, 2010
What is your time worth?
I asked myself this over the last few days, while skimming through wanted sections. Most people associate their hourly wages with their worth. I'll admit, it's one of the simplest (if not the most inaccurate) ways to calculate pros and cons of daily expenditures.
A lot of times, I find myself giving my time away to family or sleep. Last week, I had been working insane hours. To give you a hint, I left work Friday at 11 am... with over nine hours of overtime. I was determined to "take myself out" to a movie. I invited a friend, one that is not such a pansy when it comes to blood, gore, suspense and medical verbage. Too bad it involved disrupting their usual sleep pattern. But hey, if they didn't want to go, they would have told me, "No". I hope work was kind to them.
But to delve deeper into my question... with all these hours I work, I accrue time off. In a little over a month, I qualify to accrue even more time on a bi-weekly basis. It's one of the perks that keeps me at my job, even on the worst of days. With me rarely taking time off, I run into an odd situation. I think I have said this before, but I am getting close to maxing out my bank of time off. My other problem is that the calendar is filling fast with other people's requests for time off. If I don't take any more days than what I have planned now, come September, I will have to take at least a full day off each pay period to avoid "not earning" any further PTO. I already asked to see if I could get vacation pay added on to full paychecks- 'against company policy'. But when I take "random days off", it's usually spent sleeping, baking, hanging out at my apartment or feeling like a wasted day. In a weird way, I almost hope that more drama comes my way when my bank gets full. The last two weekends have been spent in hospitals for my parents' surgeries. What else could go wrong?
I know that I can find something to do, on whatever days I find to take off in the upcoming months. I'm more wondering when this prize for being a good employee turned into a pain.
So what is my time worth? A little knitting? A little writing? A bit of baking? Or is it worth nothing more than a lot of sleep and some TV?
It's up to me.
I asked myself this over the last few days, while skimming through wanted sections. Most people associate their hourly wages with their worth. I'll admit, it's one of the simplest (if not the most inaccurate) ways to calculate pros and cons of daily expenditures.
A lot of times, I find myself giving my time away to family or sleep. Last week, I had been working insane hours. To give you a hint, I left work Friday at 11 am... with over nine hours of overtime. I was determined to "take myself out" to a movie. I invited a friend, one that is not such a pansy when it comes to blood, gore, suspense and medical verbage. Too bad it involved disrupting their usual sleep pattern. But hey, if they didn't want to go, they would have told me, "No". I hope work was kind to them.
But to delve deeper into my question... with all these hours I work, I accrue time off. In a little over a month, I qualify to accrue even more time on a bi-weekly basis. It's one of the perks that keeps me at my job, even on the worst of days. With me rarely taking time off, I run into an odd situation. I think I have said this before, but I am getting close to maxing out my bank of time off. My other problem is that the calendar is filling fast with other people's requests for time off. If I don't take any more days than what I have planned now, come September, I will have to take at least a full day off each pay period to avoid "not earning" any further PTO. I already asked to see if I could get vacation pay added on to full paychecks- 'against company policy'. But when I take "random days off", it's usually spent sleeping, baking, hanging out at my apartment or feeling like a wasted day. In a weird way, I almost hope that more drama comes my way when my bank gets full. The last two weekends have been spent in hospitals for my parents' surgeries. What else could go wrong?
I know that I can find something to do, on whatever days I find to take off in the upcoming months. I'm more wondering when this prize for being a good employee turned into a pain.
So what is my time worth? A little knitting? A little writing? A bit of baking? Or is it worth nothing more than a lot of sleep and some TV?
It's up to me.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
By the numbers
Lately, I have been more on the logical, mathmatical side of my multi-faceted self. I have been catching myself focusing on numbers more than usual, and finally just let my head wander along that path.
- I made a comment about waiting until the scale reaches a certain number to take a long look in the mirror, and I promise to write about it. It could be as soon as the end of the month.
- I made my appointment to take the GRE. It is next month. Cue ominous music and elevated pulse.
- I am slowly weaning myself off of the Snooze button. Thus far, I am down to four times at five minute intervals. Trust me, this is an improvement- a large one.
- I have monthly standing plans to meet up with a couple of friends that have enough dirt on me to keep me honest and out of politics.
- I have managed to sustain a morning constancy intact and inventive. I am much faster at texting now. Though, considering I do this delight prior to caffeine (and sometimes even finding a shirt), I do not guarantee I use correct English.
- I have a countdown going for my next vacation. I am lustfully sizing up my change jar. I see a ten dollar bill in there. Perhaps I can buy something this time?
- I know I bitch about money, and everyone knows that I make enough to pay my bills and usually afford some good times. It's one of those scapegoat reasons I use to try to push myself toward something better.
- I have to pick a date to celebrate. Schedules are filling fast. I am still debating continuing/resurrecting a certain tradition. Aka, the "Honesty Test".
- I have read a certain book one too many times. As a side note, I am holding the book and a birthday card ransom. (Ok, reality is I forgot to mail the card.)
- I made a list, using numbers one to my current age, and found meanings for each of the digits. I get bored much too easily.
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