Let's get ready to RRRRumble!

In this corner, we have the lovable :) (me). And in this corner is the tag team of Mom and Dad.

Me: Dad, whatever it is that you want to say, just say it. Get it out of your system, out in the open and then we can work on getting over it. Tell me 'I told you so', call me whatever you've done so in private. Just quit hiding it and sniping at me. You've been holding back. If you're scared I can't take it, remind yourself that I am your daughter, and one of the few people who will stand toe to toe.

Dad: and foolish enough not to flinch. Daughter, I knew you had made a greivous mistake with that boy. I tried to stop you, and still stop you from focusing on foolish follies.

Me: Love is not a foolish folly.

Dad: You are young

Me: and you were on child number three at my age. If you are claiming age, then you have to call yourself a fool.

Dad: I won't do that. Your mother is the best thing to happen to me.

Me: and everyone told you that you were fools to get married and have children. Every member of your families... why did you think telling me "No" was going to be any different?

Dad: But yet, I was right. I will not let you make the same mistake again.

Mom: what about that one...

Me: stop right there. Just stop, both of you. I will not apologize for caring about someone. Yes, I made a mistake in whom to trust. I'll likely do it again. No one is perfect. I have mom begging for grand-babies, and dad secretly wishing I'd either go into a convent or move back and take care of everything again, thus leaving me no time to be ME.

Dad: what do you think it would be like if you had a boyfriend or husband and kids?

Me: They'd be MY boyfriend, MY husband, MY kids... not one thrust on me because you were too busy. I want my life to revolve around more than just me and you guys.

Dad: stop wishing for something that's not going to happen.

Mom: You have to take what your father says with a grain of salt.

Me: if I do that, I'm going to have hypertension

Mom: you are not incomplete without a partner

Me: I know that... but the things I want will require more than just me.

So what am I doing to work toward this wish? Well... I'm sorta flirting with a cute firefighter in my class, but being careful to not be aggressive. I'm tying the dudes up at work when they try to tell me I can't lift a tote. Staying busy. Basically... doing nothing, and trying to remember that I'm happier, healthier, hotter, and just better than I was when I was in a long term relationship. So, I'm a better version of who I used to be. Win for the next guy that floats my boat, or just a feel good thing while I wander through singledom.

Now, to suddenly go deaf as I enter my parents' house.

Sigh....

Out of sorts, or out of order?

I wrote a thing, not sure if I should call it a story or rant or just rambling. Two of my buds asked me to write my and my ex's story. In a way, the fact that the whole thing seems disconnected and scrambled fits the way we were during our time together. And it helped to explain to me why I am still so screwy when it comes to guys. How that the ones I let get away, or the ones that ran away, still bug me on a level.
I was apparently easy to replace. Tis not hard when the main requirement he had was, "Can I use you in almost every way to my own whims?". He's not so easy to replace because I thought, "How can we work on things together and build something?". I knew early on that he and I were very unlikely to find that sweet forever I'm sure my parents will enjoy. But I dated/fell in love with him anyways. I was willing to take whatever time he and I shared. As I put in my rambling, I loved him as long as he would let me.  The large part of why he and I don't continue to talk is that he wasn't willing to really work on it. When the game of using me was no longer an option, he disappeared.
For about three weeks, I have made myself super busy, trying to make connections to people, random or familiar. I feel more disconneted now than when I started! I feel weird looking people up and internet-requesting their friendship, or even opening up.
I'm in such a "planning phase" that I feel left behind. I'm taking a class to get a job to be able to pick my hours to work around a Masters I don't feel commited to. So I have to partially start over and find one that draws me in, realizing as I go to classes now that school is not as interesting or fulfilling as I had hoped.
Realizing that the path I want my life to take has so little to do with myself as a solo being. Hating the fact that I can't just be by myself for too long, feeling like I am invading other people's lives wanting to be a part of theirs, wishing for an unnamed/unknown person to enter my life.
I want my place filled with people, all the time. I want the connections, the stories, the comraderie... I thought I could displace my desire to be a part of a loving relationship by surrounding myself with friends. The yearn is still there, and I am sick of complaining about it. I know my buds are sick of it, too. My saving grace is that no matter how badly I want to love someone, I refuse to let that desire be higher than the love I have for myself. It's what keeps me from calling my ex or picking up some random guy.
No matter how busy I am, all it takes is the short moments before I collapse onto my bed for my heart to remind me I am not meant to be by myself. That in every dream I have for my life, I have someone to share the majority of my days with; that when I write my 'flash' or try to write a more in depth story, the urge to love someone kicks in stronger. The wish to be loved comes second, quickly after the burn to love someone warms my chest.
So, in the end... I simply want to give.... but to give to one that will give back.
But for now, I keep myself busy, hoping that one day it may be enough if the above never realizes.
So for my darlings that have loves, enjoy them. I will try harder to quiet my jealousy. To the ones searching, I wish you luck and happiness in whatever point you're at. To the ones near the end of a relationship, no the world will not end and eventually your heart will mend itself. Tis human nature to desire the connection, so don't beat yourself up for wanting it. It may happen, it may not. But I will wish for the former for you.

OneRepublic - Secrets

Was a full week, and homework is done.  Wild guess what I am doing now, instead of TV?
My hope is to get it done before work on Monday. There may be little sleep...
Thanks for the hugs, my darlings. And for the suggestions on fixing the road-blocks of my head.

So much better

I cheat-at Solitaire. When my cards no longer let me continue, rather than scoop them all up and re-deal, I shuffle the pile of cards in active play.  I also will run my video game character on to a spike/into lava/off a cliff to make them do the flashy thing so they are invincible if I am having trouble getting past a point. You'll get the idea in a second, I need to skip to a related topic.
Call it a reset button, an emotional enema, taking a quick way to total hearing loss, or just a good night out.  I went to a terrific concert, and it was all the above.  The idea stemmed from me getting into a really bad mood. I promised myself that I was gonna get out of it, without infecting anyone else and to not drag anybody into my mental block. See, this time, I was so locked up, I couldn't even begin to sort things out. Things piled up too quickly. I managed to not drag anybody into the roadblock, but did spread a little of my nastiness. For one night, all the BS of the last couple weeks got shuffled around and left to sit while I found my center.
I had to cheat my way out. And do it somewhat secretly. Since I lack the resouces for one of my other reset buttons, I took myself out to do something that has yet to fail- a concert. Listening to music at my place was not going to cut it. I had to feel the vibrations in my chest and see the artists pour themselves into the performance.
So I sat there, wrapping myself into the venue, breathing in the notes; trying to drown myself in the music while fighting the temptation to close my eyes and shut the world out. I needed them to show me what passion looked like. In classic 'me', I got excited and finally got to the point that I was smiling and nibbling my lower lip.  I can't talk about some of my recent issues, but suffice to say that the need for me to be a "good daughter" is draining me in more ways than one, along with separate issues with my folks, work, play, my past, etc.
When I can completely absorb myself into something like music, I can feel with no remorse, no consequences, no bad. For (usually) a day, I'm in a state of Zen. Nothing can faze me, nothing can get in deep enough to hurt me, I feel like I can handle anything. I go all flashy (like Mario), while the game of life goes on, so I can pass whatever obstacle is in my way.
I just can't use this trick too often. I need to collect enough coins to buy a virtual life and real ticket.
So for the next day, I am going to do what needs to get done, sort through what needs my attention and break through my barriers.
Right after I sleep, lol.