Out of sorts, or out of order?

I wrote a thing, not sure if I should call it a story or rant or just rambling. Two of my buds asked me to write my and my ex's story. In a way, the fact that the whole thing seems disconnected and scrambled fits the way we were during our time together. And it helped to explain to me why I am still so screwy when it comes to guys. How that the ones I let get away, or the ones that ran away, still bug me on a level.
I was apparently easy to replace. Tis not hard when the main requirement he had was, "Can I use you in almost every way to my own whims?". He's not so easy to replace because I thought, "How can we work on things together and build something?". I knew early on that he and I were very unlikely to find that sweet forever I'm sure my parents will enjoy. But I dated/fell in love with him anyways. I was willing to take whatever time he and I shared. As I put in my rambling, I loved him as long as he would let me.  The large part of why he and I don't continue to talk is that he wasn't willing to really work on it. When the game of using me was no longer an option, he disappeared.
For about three weeks, I have made myself super busy, trying to make connections to people, random or familiar. I feel more disconneted now than when I started! I feel weird looking people up and internet-requesting their friendship, or even opening up.
I'm in such a "planning phase" that I feel left behind. I'm taking a class to get a job to be able to pick my hours to work around a Masters I don't feel commited to. So I have to partially start over and find one that draws me in, realizing as I go to classes now that school is not as interesting or fulfilling as I had hoped.
Realizing that the path I want my life to take has so little to do with myself as a solo being. Hating the fact that I can't just be by myself for too long, feeling like I am invading other people's lives wanting to be a part of theirs, wishing for an unnamed/unknown person to enter my life.
I want my place filled with people, all the time. I want the connections, the stories, the comraderie... I thought I could displace my desire to be a part of a loving relationship by surrounding myself with friends. The yearn is still there, and I am sick of complaining about it. I know my buds are sick of it, too. My saving grace is that no matter how badly I want to love someone, I refuse to let that desire be higher than the love I have for myself. It's what keeps me from calling my ex or picking up some random guy.
No matter how busy I am, all it takes is the short moments before I collapse onto my bed for my heart to remind me I am not meant to be by myself. That in every dream I have for my life, I have someone to share the majority of my days with; that when I write my 'flash' or try to write a more in depth story, the urge to love someone kicks in stronger. The wish to be loved comes second, quickly after the burn to love someone warms my chest.
So, in the end... I simply want to give.... but to give to one that will give back.
But for now, I keep myself busy, hoping that one day it may be enough if the above never realizes.
So for my darlings that have loves, enjoy them. I will try harder to quiet my jealousy. To the ones searching, I wish you luck and happiness in whatever point you're at. To the ones near the end of a relationship, no the world will not end and eventually your heart will mend itself. Tis human nature to desire the connection, so don't beat yourself up for wanting it. It may happen, it may not. But I will wish for the former for you.