Some lessons never learned

I want to learn, but don't think grad school is in my cards.
I'm learning to let go of some hopes. Like having my place be the one that's rarely quiet, usually home to anyone bored for a few hours. I figured I could create or re-create missed moments or play them out the way I wanted. I dreamed of happy parties, friends and family, chatter and activity. So I work my schedule, leaving large blocks to fill with people; much like Seniors in high school barely taking any classes to just hang with friends during school hours.
Time to grow up... realize that the days that made me happy cannot be copied or re-created.
Some knowledge hurts to know, some is only gleaned over and never fully understood, some changes you, other heals you... All I can do is forgive myself for mistakes made, hope to not repeat them and learn. The only things that I can influence cannot depend on anyone else. A few may choose to watch me on my way, but my lessons are my own. I've been selective in the people that can pause me, ask me of many things, and change my perspectives.
Yet some lessons remain out of grasp, with no equitable compromise or substitution. I cannot let go of the wish to fill my time with happy voices, even if I've yet to meet their sound. But I can stop wishing to demand your time, even if I don't scream it, but whisper.
So now my job search will be with fewer borders, but must help me achieve some dreams.
I want that house I dream of, the dog and gardens. Things, I know... but the few aspects I can create. So when visits are made, I can offer more than one couch; entertainment not dependent on cable and space for you and loves to steal away to. If my fortune changes, I'll greet what comes. But wishing should be reserved for the more innocent... some dreams never come true.