The Promise of Cheesecake

Hi!

I'm hoping to trick myself into posting more often. For no other reason, but to keep a journal. I've misplaced about 10 notebooks: ones with recipes, lists of websites/things to look up, people's info, events, musing and notes. I know they are in a few potential spots... but my Journal from 2015 is missing... I'm going to be due to burn it shortly.
So, I'm posting what would be handwritten. I can always delete this one in a year-ish.

What's gone good:

Febtober and Pikachu are due to be parents soon. I'll have a legal niece to spoil. Plus, a brother to annoy with all the noisy, messy, amazing toys and snacks in her future.

Two and her hubby, Monkey, recently came back from honeymoon. No spawn were created while they enjoyed the gifted trip. I knew they'd make excuses to not have a honeymoon, hence it was my present to them. Plus their wedding cake. And being maid of honor. And making sis cry with my speech. Holy crap I need to find someone else to spoil! I'm using all this awesome love on someone that's not likely to keep me warm at night.

Cue the next good thing in the pipeline: Plans to get a pet.  It's maybe #5 on the list.
1. Get furniture
2. Get floor fixed that movers jacked
3. Finish hat for niece
4. Establish normal pattern for homeowner crud: Trash days, grocery days, cute guy jogging down the lane at 7 am days...
5. Get pet. Walk pet on cute guy days.
6. Plan garden. Wait, need grass first. Wait, need to level ground. Wait... need to bury lines.
SHIT!   Screw list. Chaos ensues... Pet shows up anyways.

Work is going well. SO much to learn, to grow... to teach and evolve.

Three is almost graduated.  And almost a full-fledged tattoo artist.    I wish her the best.

So.Many.Movies.This.Year.  Drooling over some choice selections. Getting my freaky nerd ON.  Happy nerdy girl!

This weekend, taking Two and Pikachu over the river.. for some nerd talk, shopping and noms. So easy to get car buddies when you promise cheesecake.  {Wild guess where we are going!}
Speaking of sweet stuff, I should make something soon. But first: Organize crud.


What's gone... not so good

Online dating is much like IRL dating: I smile at them... they look me over and dart off. Whatevs.

Being messy. I get antsy over it, but get so tired/overwhelmed.  Or I cause a problem trying to set things up. Like almost kill my new furnace with wrong settings on the thermostat.

Furniture taking a while to get built.  I am so behind on shows I should be obsessing over with siblings and Red.

Dad still not talking to me. Suspicions he is screwing me over... aka, a 3x normal electric bill due to him working on the place I walked away from.  Mom asks I 'keep track' and we will come to a decision.  Not sure if they will move into it, sell it... not really caring. Just don't want to bleed cash.

Hurts that aren't mine... but stir my empathy. Wishing for the path to be made clear, and strength for all to take it.
Lots of love... XOXO

(cough) Why do I tend to post when I am not 100%?

Hey sweeties!
I tend to update my blog when BIG SCARY changes happen. Today's no different, lol.

Bought a house! Well, had it built... I admit it's a smaller floorplan than I hoped, but it's working. I need to get everything organized, but keep making excuses:
Getting mildly sick (ie tired, achy, no voice, but able to type - like now)
My social calendar has been a bit packed
General overwhelmed feeling
Lack of funds for more storage/furnishings
Lack of strength/stamina (thank goodness Red and Irish came over to hoist the bookcase)
Other things being higher priority
Seriously, GONNA set a timer on my phone, and pick a task. After I finish this cup of tea ...

Celebrated a year at my new job. I've learned so much, and have so much more to learn. Took Two to the Holiday Party (again). She had fun.. and a few drinks, and I took care to get her, and her "fuzzy teeth", home happy. She teased that if I get slack for her making a silly fool of herself... I cut her off with, "Trust me... they cool. You are perfectly fine. No embarrassment." Plus, I got to wave a Jedi lightsaber around!

Signed up for online dating. I suck at flirting. The bar scene is not me. I feel odd asking if friends have single people in their circle. I am so painfully introverted, and going extrovert exhausts me quickly. Nothing past a few emails has happened (and I paid for a year, upfront). I figure if nothing happens in that amount of time, I will have given it a shot and lost nothing but some money. I am a bit hesitant... worries about CatFishing, not having my profile get hits, getting the wrong hits... the normal stuff, lol.  But am I worried about getting rejected? Not really. Not in a "I'm so confident and awesome, only an idiot would not want to be with me" kind of way; sort of a "I can't force anything, and even Mr (kinda) Right may want to walk away".  But I am damn awesome. So I send a few smiles, ask a few of them questions... and wait to see where (and if) it goes anywhere.
If things work out, and next year "me" turns into "we", I'll just be awesome plus 1.

I'm looking forward to decking my place out. Few more weeks and the living room furniture arrives. I am so tempted to offer dinner if my (slightly OCD) sister comes to clean my place before they arrive.
I mostly hang out in my bedroom (the only room with a place to sit, lol).
Then thoughts of a Housewarming, settling into a life of my choosing and comfort level, adding to and evolving my happiness.

Patience... my least acute virtue.

Freaking Out

I should be sleeping.. Can't sleep... Brain racing....
So much new stuff to catch people on (as last post was Sept '14)
Short versions:

1. New Job. Learn new things every day, not the only Fruit Loop in a bowl of Cheerios, people get my movie/music/show references, contests of the best nerd T-shirt, the general environment is awesome... Sorry, am I making you jealous? Terrific!
2. Purple + blue hair.  I rock my new look. I just need to carve time to polish said look and put makeup on. 
3. In process of walking away from a house contract. Seller may come after me.
4. Researching fonts for my brother and sister in law's ceremony. My gift to them is cake + cupcakes. I want to do an amazing job.
5. Already having mini-anxiety attacks about the ceremony... and number of people. 
6. Back of mind thing: online dating. Going to try to get Red and Baby, a few bottles of wine, and a profile going.  No luck with setups, bars, casual conversation in store/movie/restaurant/shopping, etc. I suck at being social, but would like to be in a relationship with someone. Someone that wants to give me their time and attention, share good and bad, build a strong foundation... oh, and all the more... sensual items. Plus, I do still want to be a wife and mom. Might as well eff up the next generation and secure the crazy genes I have continue on. The species needs more geeks with extra blood vessels. 
7. Looking for other concerts/movies/activities to enjoy. I have 5 events in near-ish future. I want to have more experiences. I should try to call Baby and Red about #6. Not sure if anyone else wants to be randomly texted/called as a "What's up?"
8. Along the lines of #7, having trouble talking to some people. Mostly my fault. Really majority is my fault. I miss the last guy I was dating. I know romantically we were not heading to the next stage, but I miss his passion... even if it was for sports (meh).  Having real trouble converting to the 'friend zone'. He seems aloof, and I ended it... so yeah... that was a first. Um, I'm the bad person... I expect to be rejected.  We don't really have a geographical closeness, to randomly bump into each other. He was a good guy... he was showing he was not the right guy. Others in the category of trouble talking to, and miss: extended family, coworkers, estranged friends. I'm a weirdo. Just send a message out, dammit. If no response... oh well.

So much going on... trying to learn to do simple code, read, find time to write stories, try to connect with people... the list expands.  I want to do ALL THE THINGS! But I'm too old for this shit.

And I need sleep... definitely need sleep... I have baking to do!

Some things don't change

Hey, um... figure after so much time, the page would be gone or something.  Seems I'm not the only lazy entity here... even the internets are apathetic.
So, how shall I attempt to sum up all the missing time?
Let's not aim for a massive timeline update. For as much as I claim to be an open book, I quite easily shut the world out.  With this year coming swiftly to a close, I find myself slipping into old patterns and (regrettably) trouble sleeping-- when most of my blogging did, or does occur.
I'll try for larger updates, to lessen the boredom.
Some people entered and left my life. One that has stuck around: Pikachu, Febtober's wife.  They and Three are moving to bigger digs; and Three has a new boyfriend.
New kids, courtesy of friends. I have one of each gender to devise ways to spoil. Muwahaha.
Still pining for own space, the puppy I want, and finding comfort. I'll be pissed if I manage to get what I want and still be cranky. Current status is not allowing much breathing room, and I am tired of being "not happy", as most of my happy things cannot occur due to limitations. I try to focus on good things, but even my short jaunts out of my imposed comfort zone leave me wanting-- or worse, lectured for when I return to my current normal.  I have to fix it, no one else.


This is where I leave off. No promises of 'doing better to write more', just popping in to acknowledge I have this spot to mark as my own, and intend to do so.


Next task: editing data herein and finding things to talk about in future musings.

The point?

I was sitting in my doc's office, killing time while a personal call was being wrapped up. I switched crossing my legs,and noticed my jean hem was flipped. The secretary told me to go in, before I could tame the errant denim.
While Doc perused my file, checking notes and asking basic questions, I pulled my leg up to play with the hem. Thinking I was curling up, Doc tried to re-open communication.
"Considered going to a dermatologist? The video you mentioned a friend shared seems to be important. It's the first thing that came to mind when I asked if you'd seen anything interesting."
"Perhaps, I seem to be on a health kick lately."
"Along with adventurous streak... new scar? Your ankle."
"Yeah... poison ivy. I'm really sensative to it. To avoid it spreading, it needed to be eraticated."
"So you chose a scar over maybe a week of discomfort?"
"I chose a scar over a month of spreading itchiness. I take a while to heal. I'm not a masochist."
We talked of other scars, stumbles, stories and hopeful adventures. Before I left, Doc asked what part of town would I want to live in. Near businesses like I am now, a quiet cul de sac or gated community,all shiney and new?
"Ah, Doc... I want a spot in the country, ivy be damned. Maybe in that, I am a masochist."
Doc closed my file, smiling.
"Guess that house must be worth the sting."
Now I just have to find it. Talk about dreaming big... I hate being in debt... But I dislike feeling like I'm tossing money away more.

Some lessons never learned

I want to learn, but don't think grad school is in my cards.
I'm learning to let go of some hopes. Like having my place be the one that's rarely quiet, usually home to anyone bored for a few hours. I figured I could create or re-create missed moments or play them out the way I wanted. I dreamed of happy parties, friends and family, chatter and activity. So I work my schedule, leaving large blocks to fill with people; much like Seniors in high school barely taking any classes to just hang with friends during school hours.
Time to grow up... realize that the days that made me happy cannot be copied or re-created.
Some knowledge hurts to know, some is only gleaned over and never fully understood, some changes you, other heals you... All I can do is forgive myself for mistakes made, hope to not repeat them and learn. The only things that I can influence cannot depend on anyone else. A few may choose to watch me on my way, but my lessons are my own. I've been selective in the people that can pause me, ask me of many things, and change my perspectives.
Yet some lessons remain out of grasp, with no equitable compromise or substitution. I cannot let go of the wish to fill my time with happy voices, even if I've yet to meet their sound. But I can stop wishing to demand your time, even if I don't scream it, but whisper.
So now my job search will be with fewer borders, but must help me achieve some dreams.
I want that house I dream of, the dog and gardens. Things, I know... but the few aspects I can create. So when visits are made, I can offer more than one couch; entertainment not dependent on cable and space for you and loves to steal away to. If my fortune changes, I'll greet what comes. But wishing should be reserved for the more innocent... some dreams never come true.

sorry for the delay

Hi luvs. I've been a bit busy, but more so dealing with lots of stuff. We've all got baggage, and mine (recently) got a bit heavy. I partly did it to myself, and had or having a run of bad luck. I wake each day hoping for things to go my way, but know that can't be the case always. Tis just been a while... but oh well.
So you already know I cried hard for the 1st time since putting my ex behind me. You know it WAS NOT because of feelings for him, but anger at myself for not making the sweeping changes I desire in my life. And that I was utterly Pissed Off that someone I consider a deficient human being should not be allowed to smile. Especially when I have trouble remembering when exactly I had a moment of bliss. But that's just my vanity showing; that I consider myself a good person, choosing to be incapable of the atrocities a lot of "sweet people" can do. I'm not the judge and jury, but secretly wish I could be executioner, to some that handed in their nice cards a long time ago (if they ever actually had one). I'm exhausted that overgrown car salesmen (ie, Ex), waltz through life, while I struggle with the steps.
The timing was rough, but when it not?
I had started to open up, to hope for what I thought were impossible dreams. I shared them... and in each path I tried to walk, got kicked in the stomach. I know that progress has been made... but dammit... I'm greedy now. I see things going good & bad...and wish for either! I'm tired of feeling behind. I know it's not a race... but I can do this... I want in to the game. I've been an adult since I was 12... I have the responsible part down... where's the fun shit?
"Come to the darkside...we have cookies"... Sorry..I'll stick with this pile of crap.
So as I try to wade through the disrupted images in my head, placing them back and tossing the ones I want to delete, I'll try to remember to post.
Been missing you... wish we weren't all stressed. Life's running quick for all of ya... the quiet is driving me natty.