Here's my sign...

There must be a lighted billboard on my forehead. Unfortunately, it's lying. The guys at work are upset that I have failed to bring in sweets this week. They also believe that I am so desperate for a date, that I was hitting on them when I asked if they wanted a cookie/cupcake/etc the last few months. Did they not pay attention to that I gave EVERYBODY a treat? I can't win!
Add in that my social network pals (also work peers) are teasing me for my most recent addition. They are telling me that I am "commenting too much, replying too fast, pushing it", etc.
I dislike the beginning of any relationship, be it romantic or platonic. Long term buds know this. I tried to make any free time shared with me, called/wrote/stalked them until they had no choice but to adore me. I don't remember most of my classes, but I sure do remember lunch time and free mods with friends. That behavior still holds true. I am a smotherer, and I will not apologize for wanting to show I care. I also don't start a book if I don't have time to read the first couple chapters, fast forward through previews, am known to jump into a verbal fight, color from the middle out, and hug people I have only known for a day. I also don't stress over if someone has to cancel/change plans, needs some time away from me, or ignores me for a while. The behavior seems to have worked for my platonic quests, but never my romantic searches. My work buds are assuming that I am doing a repeat of my last failed attempt at a relationship. They are not giving me any credit for learning my lesson. But I will admit that I am forcing myself not to say something that would be seen as inappropriate. I have no qualms letting a new friend have my cell #, free reign to email/talk about any subject... my work peers KNOW THIS... I did the same thing to all of them. If I had listened to them last year, I wouldn't have had to deal with the emotional after-math (as in getting attached too soon and realizing too late that I was being played). So I feel stuck... continue as I am at heart and potentially come off the wrong way, or back off? Is the sign on my head blinking that I am trying to get a date? What did I do to get this response?
How am I wrong in wanting to get to know someone? Even I don't know what that sign might be saying. I admitted to an old crush on a guy, but it has been years! He has zero interest in me (and I know it). I have not physically seen him in ages-I may not feel the same. I was not expecting this attack! Hell, if I had a devious motive, it would be to replace the dudes I have lost. I miss my "scary movie" guy whose wife thought I was trying to sleep with him (and he admitted to a crush on me which ended our hanging out alone on my request and led to just not hanging out), my "adopted little bro" that would talk to me about practically anything and now has a wife and child, and my various "work husbands" that have moved on to other positions.
I am wondering... what is that blasted sign that everyone else seems to see, actually say?!
I hate all this DRAMA!

Can't sleep...

Yay! I have a follower. Now comes a disclaimer... any entries I do after, say... 10 pm... any reader should know that likely I am 1) tired, 2) too wired to sleep and 3) can't think of anything better to do. Gotta love techology mixed with a self-proclaimed dork.
So here's my randomness...aka what happened today and lessons learned. Work has been calling for lots of OT (we are nearing a month of mandatory 8 hours a week or more). I hit the proverbial wall and needed help to make it through the day. I grabbed an energy drink, small coffee, 2 cookies and my radio. The radio lost power early in the day, and it took me all day to drink the guarana/taurine thingie. There is a point... I also took my daily meds (calcium, B vitamin and multivitamin). Need to stay healthy, especially in an office where sick bugs fly rampant. Anyways, the drink has 100% of the daily dose of some stuff, including Niacin (its a B vitamin)... there is also Niacin in my B vitamin and multivitamin. Any one that takes Niacin knows of a potential side effect known as flushing. Over the course of my day, I had injested 300% of my daily *need*. I turned bright red... and stayed that way for a long while. Even as the vitamin went through my system, my nose refused to calm down. Go ahead, start singing "Rudolph the Red-nose Reindeer", I've heard it before. In fact, I heard it today at the grocery store... @ 7 pm tonight.
So I am wired... sugar, caffeine and a long day that messed up my usual schedule. I'll be fine. I just need to get to the "crash" part of this circus.
Back to work... one of the few guys in my department asked why I looked "off". My hair was messed, my face pink, my jeans hanging off my hips and me dancing at the copier with my headset on. He asked if I had gotten lucky the night before and why I was wearing my boyfriend's jeans. Um... no, and sorry, they're my jeans. I haven't gone shopping for stuff that fits yet, and I can never find my belt in the morning. But he obviously liked the fitted shirt I was wearing, or the cross that hangs right above my bra. I was worried he was going to make a comment about a chicken pox scar that I have in a secluded spot. I would blame the sugar in the cookies, but I routinely sway and airdrum while waiting for my documents to print. You have to find your own fun. With work letting us wear jeans all month, in hopes of upping morale and making us more productive (hahaha, it is to laugh... productivity in DECEMBER? Surely you jest), we have all adopted a more casual approach to eachother. More people have noticed the oddity I bring to the place, and enjoy my antics.
A little boy called me Rudolph at the store. I have heard it a million times... I was born with a very pink nose (and mom has pics to prove it-such is the curse of being the first born). I could go on for pages about my nose, and how it is a tell for what I am thinking, etc... But not here.
By now, you likely figured I really don't have those odd barriers most people have. I'm just waiting for someone to ask a question or submit an idea, thinking there is no way would I take the bait... but embarrassment is not something I feel often.
More randomness... a bud sent me a link to stories, good ones. Maybe when my fingers cramp up, I'll click over and read one in hopes of a really good dream. If I can ever get to sleep! It could make it worse... get me all randy with no source of relief. And she made me promise to behave. :P So I will be a good girl, but my curiousity is building. I used to write those types of stories, WE used to write those types of stories... I miss that. I wrote them before I even knew what I was talking about... before my first kiss, even. Yeah, I was a little late on the dating scene. Stop laughing! I don't care... Besides, the reality of the "first kiss" was far, far below my hopes. Guess that's why the few guys I have kissed say I do a good job... I try a little harder in hopes or reaping a better response. But I am way off topic. More off topic, in hopes of helping me find a carer path, she suggested I make a list of things I like to do. I will make sure not to work on it after viewing the site, lest I appear to want to be a pornstar or something.
So today's lessons: I should not do energy drinks, I should go home at a decent hour, find clothes that fit my slightly smaller shape, avoid little boys, and if I get a little frisky after ending this post... kick my bud in the butt for making me make that promise and do homework after my mind goes in the gutter. ;)

Where do I go from here?

I took a couple classes that were sponsored through my work's involvement with a university. Provided I got a C or better, work pays the bill. I'm confident I won't have to spend a penny. As I was driving home, the random catch phrase you hear the press ask the Superbowl winners ran through my head. "You've just won... what are you going to do now?"
I want to throw a party. That's what I want, but will likely not get. I live too far away, and in a cramped space, to have the bash I want. But it's for more than just passing a couple classes. I want to celebrate the passing of the year, a tough one at that. I've improved drastically: emotionally, physically, spiritually, socially, mentally, and a little financially. I'm proud of myself, maybe a little too much at times. It feels so odd to be this happy... I had spent so much time at the other side of the spectrum.
I've also been just randomly thinking of what I want to do with this blog. I've considered themed days, linking it to my social network site, deleting it until I can think of a set path for it to take, posting only on certain days... name it, and I likely considered it. For now, it's just all in this mixed up head of mine.

Smiles abound

Tonight was a great night... my gals and I had a nice meal, excellent conversation, and surprise...no alcohol.  Not that we are lushes, but we usually have a nip or two as the night progresses.  This time, it was tea and water to go with our surf and turf.  It felt soooo good to cook something for people I love.  I was overjoyed when they complimented the meal. I was also scared silly when it slipped that I have a blog.  I adore my gal pals, and was scared because of the lack of content on my page.  I know I could never get all of the randomness in my head out onto paper or bytes of memory, but I hadn't really had this page for long.  It seemed.... little. 
They have a knack for honing in on my single sentences and exploiting them to the full potential... part of why they make me smile.  It has been a real pleasure to drag these girls along with me, and sometimes being dragged by them, through these years.  Tis rare that I find people as I said earlier tonight, "When I say this, it's going to be ackward for about 5 seconds and then it'll be all out and clear", and truely not be afraid of anything I say.  I can tell them the weird dreams, be totally neurotic and find a sense of calm and peace in moments. Ahhh... Now if only I could bottle it, I'd be rich!

I have a reading problem

Excuse me, but my camera phone doesn't take good photos.  There was nothing on TV today, and it's December.... Yes, I baked a lot of cookies.  So many that I cannot find containers.  And I still have dough... I hope my gal pals don't think I am trying to fatten them up, but I'm bringing some for our movie night.  It seems any time I read a recipe, I instantly double it.  Some people have dyslexia, illiteracy or other reading difficulties.... I have multiple numberism, lol.  The hilarious thing is that I cannot eat them.  Yes, I made stuff that upsets my stomach because I know someone else will like them.  I don't have someone in mind, just random friends and family.  I know, you're wondering... why did I bake if I didn't have a specific group of people in mind.  It's just something I do.  That, and I am trying to get in the Christmas spirit.
Every year, since I was about 8, it was a time when the rest of the world was like me.  People smiled at each other, there was goodwill, acceptance and joy that was held back any other time of the year.  It was a short period of time where you didn't get weird looks for complimenting someone, or holding a door.  Good behavior during the year was awarded with gifts, and my family and I celebrated at mass and home.  Happiness was the norm.
Flash forward twenty years, and I am having trouble finding my Christmas spirit.  I have been having that difficulty for a while, but unlike previous years, it is still lacking.  Usually about the tenth or so, I get my jolly demeanor and enjoy the time of year.  Now... now I am cold, tired, stressed and can't seem to let the good feelings find a space in my head or heart.  Something is off.... and I need to figure out what and why.

Ms Fix It

If I were a superhero, it would be Ms Fix It.  Call it whatever you want, "wounded puppy syndrome"/ "bleeding heart"/"over-sensative"/ pick your favorite phrase. My weakness would be the very thing that makes me amazing... being able to share someone's pain.  I've always been the person that wants to help anyone that seems to need it, even if they didn't ask.  A lot of people have taken advantage of it, and I have paid the emotional price.  I'm the friend that celebrates with you when you had a great day and plots the demise of anyone that slighted you.  Lately, it's been a blessing to care more about others than myself.  I could ignore the pain I felt as I tried to get back to my "normal".  The pain is gone, and my drive to help others is still strong.  I considered contacting the friend of a friend (FOaF), to see if he desired another bud... and stopped before I hit send to my electronic offer.
I had to decide if I had ulterior motives.  Was I truely being selfless, wanting to help... or was there more?  I know I have done things in the past, expecting nothing in return... but this individual carries some weight to my potential involvement.  If it is true, as our mutual bud says, that we are similar.... if I end up causing this person pain.... it would be like stabbing myself.
The question arose: If I pursued a friendship, could I resist not wanting more?  A loooonnnnnngggg time ago, our mutual friend wanted to match said FOaF with me. This is where I confess something I have told NO ONE.  He had no interest, but I had developed an innocent crush.  He was much more interested in someone else (again, not divulging specifics to protect people). Back then, I was so painfully shy, and knowing he had no interest meant I had to lick my wounds. So I passed on pursuing any personal ties to him.  He became "FOaF", my crush passed, and he seemed to fade into the background with fewer and fewer stories told to me in regards to him.  I was amused by his antics, sad when his relationships ended, happy when he found a new love or hobby... no hint of jealousy.  But now I am considering crossing that line, from "hey I kinda know you" to "I'd like to get to know you".  Reading his blog, and the few times I had seen him in casual settings with our friend made me see that there were similarities. I can deal with just being friends, truely. I am not playing games... but I need to make sure I am not offering a hand in friendship, wanting it kissed. So I pause yet again. Perhaps I need to discuss this with our friend... good thing we have plans this weekend.  Wish me luck, or wisdom to shut up.

Something I always wanted

A few weeks ago, work sent out gift certificates to a website where we could choose something. I am guessing the gifts were around $20-$25 dollars (based on comparison shopping and the fact that the gift site didn't give much on specifics, like dimensions or electric capacity). So I rummaged through, looking to see if anything jumped out and got my attention (like I usually do). A few things struck my fancy, but I dwindled the list to my eventual choice... a glass pen and inkwells.  I had always been facinated by the concept.  I had been lusting for a set for a while, and although it was a much "cheaper" version than the ones I would fall for online... it is being eagerly awaited.  It *should* be at my door tomorrow.  I guess I adore it because I enjoy reading so much, and that words are so valuable to me.  The idea of hand dipping your pen, making sure that what you intended to write is exactly what you want to say... taking the pause to remove the excess, as not to oversaturate your page or have excess as you finish your thought.  The fact that not people handwrite anything... letters, notes, etc.  I remember keeping a lot of the notes I shared with friends in high school... I kept most of them until last year.  The pages were soft, the folds deep in whatever scrunched dimensions they ended up as while we jammed them into lockers and notebooks.  The paper felt much like cloth, warm and supple, from all the times I would open and close them over the decade.
Why, you ask, are they disposed of?  Because I impetuously thought that was what my friends had done to me.  I was going through a rough patch; a heartache, the eventual rebellion of "I'll show him... I'll get some other guy interested in me..." and utter failure.  I was not a picnic.  I was trying too hard.   I felt my friends had thrown me away, but knew it was because I wasn't the person they had grown to love... she was replaced by a bitter, boy-crazy, hurt womanchild.  I had trouble dealing with it.  So I made a promise to myself to try to heal, and get back to who I was before... even if my friends weren't there to meet me at the finish line after a year.  I tossed the notes, forcing myself to remember the feelings by not having something to remind me.  I was going to re-create that passionate teenager, and have her mature into a woman... in 12 months.  The reason all this came to mind? Someone I know (and yes, just like a lot of my friends and friends' friends... a person whose blog I read when they post) wrote something on his  blog.  I smiled when I saw his post.  Because as you can see in my previous entries, I think I succeeded.  I wish he was having an easier time, and am unsure if, since we really don't know eachother that well,  I can or should attempt to help.A mutual friend of ours said we were somewhat similar, and I remember feeling like I wanted anyone to just offer a hand.  No, I am not thinking of "fixing things" (bad habit of mine-I'll eventually post about it), just offering an ear or new perspective.  Sometimes a new set of eyes and ears can be more comforting than ones that have heard your stories and seen your pain many times.  Then again, I doubt he knows I have been passively part of his background. If I did openly offer an ear... the worst woudl be a hell no, the best, a new friend.  And that's something I am perpetually seeking and rarely find-someone similar to me to befriend.  I assure you, based on his posts and our mutual bud, we should either get along great or make an emo band.  Good thing I can't sing, lol.  But who am I to say someone needs help on their path, based on what I needed? So, for now, I am silently in the background. 
Oh, and the buds I thought left me by the wayside?  They helped, and are there... waving from the finish line as I get ready to cross.
But I do still have a lot to do off my 101/1001.  :D

being wiser, and only a little older

As of yet, I have managed to keep my blog private.  I'm usually one to blurt out, "hey, check out what I've been thinking".  But this time, I want to be stumbled on.  That, and for now, I can get all the stuff I don't say off my chest.
So I'm single, been so for a bit.  I have been fine with it for a while, after having a "boy-crazy" stint late last year.  Luckily, it was just one guy... I wasn't THAT crazy.  It obviously didn't work out, as signaled by my current status.  He's happily coupled, as most of the guys I have developed feelings for are.  I am honestly happy for them, and surprisingly, not jealous.  That's the prompt for my recent posts.  Call it growing up, giving in, whatever.  My addiction to love and be loved is still present, I am just not going nuts for it.  Besides, I figure any relationship that starts during the holidays could just be seen and felt out of desperation.  I deserve better than that.  It doesn't affect the mini-crushes I have been developing lately.  I have just told myself I am not going to pursue them, this season or the next.  I've always been the aggressor, and it never has worked in my favor when it came to romantic relationships. Whatever it is that I feel I need, I get from my family and friends (and no, I don't do the "with benefits" kind).  With obvious exceptions, I get the attention I need in small doses; enough to keep the desire to be coupled at bay.  I am a very loving person, looking for any excuse to spoil ones I care for. It's like I have to release some of my affection, as if it were a liquid in a constantly replenished container.  The pressure would build too high, and I would explode.  So I do small things (drive to see far off friends for an evening), big things (buy and cook an amazing meal w/ dessert-of which I barely eat any) and huge things (once "kidnapped" a boyfriend and took him on a 3 day trip- all expenses paid).  The container never goes empty, and rarely goes low... all that I "give" comes back to me, and then some.  Even when it is not reciprocated, I feel more full of love and affection.  It used to lead to me being used, and I have been getting smarter at not letting that happen.
Call it growing up, giving in, whatever... it just is.

I want to say one thing... my friends are terrific.  Or maybe they bring out the amazing in me.  Explains why I crave spending time with them.  I THOUGHT my recent problem was being single during the holidays, seeing people I once cared about moving on without me, and knowing I had no one to spoil beyond belief with thoughtful things.  So I tried writing it all down, getting it out of my system.  During this, I called a friend and briefly hinted to the issue.  I wondered if, instead of stating what I thought was going on in my head, if she would guess.  She said almost exactly what I thought the issue was... and it rang so false it surprised me.  I admitted I am totally fine with being single.  If that status changed, it wouldn't matter... neither good or bad.
 It is not "being left behind"... it is a problem that likely has no solution.  I am  upset to the OLD issue of being taken advantage of.  The person, in whatever capacity, lied to me... and had a result opposite to what they said they wanted and then claimed that was what they really wanted.  I know I am being obtuse... but to protect the innocent, guilty and ignorant... I have to be. It's the being lied to, on such a basic level, that gets under my skin.
I'm a blunt, tactless, up front individual.  
The people that caused this crisis... It was like asking them if they wanted to drink water or wine, mixing up the order and having them gulp it down greedily, asking for seconds.  It's rude, confusing and irritating.  Imagine the response when it is offering your heart (in romantic or platonic ways) or solitude.  To leave a door open, and have them crawl in someone else's window.  People are fickle, confusing and confused... I know that.  But after having me tell them to be straight with me, I get aggravated when after getting that green light, they lie.  Don't try to spare my feelings... I'd rather be told the truth.
As for my desire to have someone to spoil.... I have friends, myself and (one day) a furry buddy to lavish with affection. It's all good.

Yummies

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. ~Pablo Neruda

Lately I have been developing crushes on guys I know I will never: see in person/get the nerve to confess/are completely taken/only in my dreams/some combo of the previous. The crushes will fade, but for now, they seem to be rampant.  So here we go.

Brent Smith, Shinedown- I admit it, I have a thing for singers.  Currently he is one of the top runners.  He lost some points because he's engaged, but his girl has nothing to fear from me.  I saw "If You Only Knew",  and my jaw dropped.  Yum... button down shirt, jacket, tall, dark hair, terrific voice... When the song comes on my radio at work, I sway my chair side to side, mouth the words and get lost in the emotion he pours into it; my productivity be damned. I'm envious of the guys that can sing or play an instrument-things I can't seem to do right.  I don't care what my bro says, I know my singing voice should be reserved for the way way way waaayyyy background to avoid dogs howling.  Doesn't stop me from belting it in the car!

The tech support guy- Though we have only talked on the phone, the fact he doesn't laugh at me everytime I have to call because I locked myself out of the system makes him cute.  He bears with me as I try to connect all the random trivia bits to answer the security questions, like "Hire date?", "Um, let's see, it was almost a month after my birthday... [insert correct date]"; "Employee ID number?, "Hold on, I have to look at the keyboard... da da da da dee.... 12345"; "Which password do you need reset?", "The one that lets me log on the machine so I can clock in and get paid for being here on time... LAN!"  He stifles the chuckle, but I can hear in his voice that he's entertained.

Authors of books- I should be banned from bookstores.  No matter the gender or age, I go nuts when I get engrossed in things I read. I should include blogs, too. Must stop stalking people that do not know me, and stop bugging the ones that do to post again (L!)... Seriously, this is my mom's fault.  We treat Barnes and Noble as our private library... we sit there for hours, reading and taking notes.  I got through all of Shakespeare's sonnets, knowing my mom had my copy at her place.  We rarely buy a book or magazine. The only thing to make me stop? Shinedown came across the speakers, lol. My parents have books, some leather bound and dusty... oh how I adore the smell and feel of an old book. Mental note: need to "borrow" some from them.

Edward and Jacob from "Twilight" series- I can't help it... Weakness for the tortured guys that you know are sooo wrong, but have the possibility to be sooo right.  I'd have to ignore them both because I would never decide between them. If only there was a way to combine the Shiny with the Shaggy.  Too bad I'm a pedophile for lusting after these teenage characters.

Celebs- a list within my list: Ewan McGregor (the eyes, the voice/accent) Gerard Butler (one word: 300... must stop drooling over guys with muscles, too late), Hugh Jackman (accent), Vin Diesel (shaved head, muscles, deep voice)... The shortest one is 5'10"... I think I see a pattern emerging.

The guy that features in my head at night.  He doesn't have a name, no set height, and I rarely imagine a face.  He's waiting in bed as I crawl in, ready to be snuggled up to.  When I roll over, he sweeps the hair off my neck and kisses my shoulder as I drift back to sleep.  I rarely travel past my half of the bed, even though I know there is no one there. Some nights, it's just to pretend the bed is not that cold; that someone is there to warm it and take the chill out of the covers.  Other nights, it's because I had a bad day and just want to be held-so I imagine arms to wrap around me.  It may not be entirely healthy, and I know it might be what keeps the hopeless romantic in me kicking.  He's just a few pillows and part of my blanket, but I sleep more soundly when I fool myself into thinking there's another heartbeat in the room.  He's there less and less these days.  Perhaps it's for the best.

For those that have a cuddle partner, give them a squeeze for me.  I hope this year is full of love and and cuddles for you.

Odd observance

Ahh... the day after Thanksgiving. Yet again, I was the meal preparer. In addition to my immediate family, an aunt and (new) uncle visited. It was wonderful to have the company, and at the end of the night, my place felt like a tomb. I was grateful for the help from my siblings doing prep and clean up with me. I completely skipped the Black Friday commotion. After the laughs, the stories, the reconnecting... I am too tired to shop. I have realized I am very much a homebody. I guess that is why I have been getting a few more invites to go out with friends. I know they love me, and as one said last week, "I wish I could be like you and just not care". She said this after I was behaving like a teenager, bouncing around and being goofy. I haven't been a teen in almost a decade... and today it struck me that me behaving like a fool means I may just be getting back to being my "normal". Not caring what the world thinks, going against the grain, was at one point the way I lived my life. I stood up proudly, defying the norm. That's again why the title I chose for my page... qualities that are being lost. The world has lost a lot of it's passion, it's genuineness... replaced by deceit and dullness. I lost a lot of my passion, my uniqueness.... replaced by dullness and fear. But I am fixing that.

First one is always the hardest

Here I go again... another blog... another chance to throw pieces of me out into the world. Starting with why I chose the blog name "Perpetually sought, rarely found". It's a phrase I have heard, in some form, used to describe myself. Keep in mind, it's what other people have told me. Most of the time, it is in reference to a personal relationship. Now, don't go thinking I have a big ego. They use the phrase when I behave like someone who truly cares... something society sees less and less of as time goes by. I'm the one that some call in the middle of the night, crying or drunk and needing an ear; the one that knows the good, bad and OMG moments, but won't say a word; the one that refuses to let you believe no one loves you; the protective friend; the goofball; the sweetie... I've held a lot of roles, most of them proudly. But I am nowhere near perfect... That's why I am the one "perpetually sought, rarely found". Too bad a lot of people don't realize I am right here.