Must find an activity....

I dislike the times when I can't pinpoint why I am not in a good mood for no reason. So I tried to get happier by taking a shot last night. I felt the alcohol burn in my stomach, and was very quickly not only buzzing but needing to lean on the wall a little. Not doing that again any time soon. I didn't want the night to end, both for not wanting to leave and not wanting to drive home that tired.
Then it happened... my subconscience and my concious had a talk.
I had a recurring dream.

This time I was sitting on a couch, playing with a little girl with curls. We're playing with some dolls, making them interact for dates or maybe a wedding. It's a party, and all the conversations around us stop as the little angel cups my face in her hands and says, "Auntie, have you ever been in love? Mommy says daddy is her prince, where's yours?".
All I could say as tears welled, "Yes, dear. Once upon a time".

I shot up, per usual, my hands flying toward my face to wipe the real tears as they fell and stifle the sigh in my throat.
There were supposed to be kids at the party last night, at least that's how I had read the invite. The possibility had triggered the feelings that dream seems to instantaneously pull up.
I don't want to hate kids, or fear them. I have an innate ability to put babies to sleep. As the oldest, I have that "mommy sway" when I stand, and can usually calm a kid from age zero to thirteen.
That dream was a driving force last year for my "crazy" phase where I hit on practically any guy. I refused to let it become a reality. Now I refuse to 1) repeat that error in judgement, and 2) let this dream continue its effect.
So I headed home as everyone else slept. I spent the majority of the day confronting all the emotions, and hiding from the world.
Then I took a nap... As the little sweetheart rose to touch my face, I dug my hands into the couch cushions, bracing myself. Her innocent voice dug deep, dredging up the emotions of the last few years. The good, the bad, the ugly... all flooding through.
"Yes, dear. Once upon a time. Once upon a time, this princess rescued a prince from an evil sorceress that treated him badly. The prince and princess were very happy for a little while, but things didn't end 'Happily Ever After'. I tried dating the court jester, but his comedy was not enough to make me smile. So now I am looking for a kingdom to rule. Your mommy is lucky to have found her prince. Even if mine came today, I wouldn't know it."
I let go of the cushions as the conversations around us resumed and my mind came back to reality.
New year, new me...