Square peg in a round hole

I went shopping for clothes... alone. The mission: Pants.
Even with my knowledge of sewing and armed with tape measure numbers jotted on scrap paper, I was clueless. I know I am too tall to fit in Petites, so I could at least skip one corner of the store. Then I realized the concept of "vanity sizing". Some designers try to make customers feel good by putting a size 4 label on a size 8 garment, or size 10 on a 14. Old Navy is notorious for this. I wanted a more true measure, so I skipped that store.
The plus size specialty shops are for those with a fuller, lower bustline and wider hips.When I lose weight, it's bust and legs first. I need pants to fit my waist and skim my legs, lest I get the "un-professional attire" talk again.
That leaves Misses and Juniors... and I am not quite in Junior territory... and Misses is for "average" body types. I've never been accused of being average, lol. My torso is longish, so most of the mid-rise pants are hip huggers on me. So I settled on trying Kohls and Target.
Add in that I wanted the pants to be cheap, since it is likely they will be too big before long. Clearance rack it is!
I had grabbed 12 pairs of pants... in every number from where I was the last time I knew my size to the 'vanity size' of a pair of pants that are a little too big. Some fell to the ground as I zipped them. Others laughed as I tried to squeeze in.
One fit.
I bought it.
Then I decided that perhaps I should learn to love skirts and dresses again.
It was a small victory.
I await the day the scale reads the magic numbers I randomly picked and I take a long look in the mirror. I admit to seeing myself in "pieces". I'll glance at my outfits, intently put on makeup and make sure my hair is ok. But to look, really look at myself... to assess the whole package.... freaks me out a little.
It's why there are few pictures of me from age 8 to now. I know I am cute/pretty/attractive on some levels. I have gotten compliments that now my outside is starting to match my inside persona. I know I won't have much in way of reference since I destroyed a lot of the photos of me, and in a way, it's freeing.
I have the odd opportunity to just "start over" in the area of my physical appearance and confidence.
I'm almost ready for my close-up. 

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity

Seneca is credited with that simple statement. I agree, but think it needs to add in a bit about timing. I've been lucky to find some people I trust with my secrets, survive multiple accidents, get a job with absolutely no skill-set, guess the right answers on exams, etc. But my timing has almost always been off. Add in that I operate faster than most people, giving in to a gut-feeling that gets me in trouble.  I trusted the recruiter for a job that I would be able to progress through the company. I've been at the same position for four years. I've applied to outside jobs a few days too late. I've been in need to talk somebody, but it's been at the wrong time of day/week.  When a more appropriate or even reasonable time comes up, I've either given up on the problem or come to a conclusion on my own.  I depend on myself heavily, almost to the point that I just don't talk about things at all.

But the whole timing thing is evident in two areas, career and social.  It has taken me forever to even think I have nailed down a potential career. And now I need further training. After being out of school for so long, I have forgotten so much that I can't apply for jobs in my undergraduate degree. I considered getting a quicker certification, like pharmacy tech/radiologist/anything with a year training, and using my limited connections to find something better to do than my current job. I'm bored and burned out.

On the social front, I've trusted people very quickly. Most of the time I get burned. Sometimes, just a little singed. So then I go into auto-pilot, and miss out on some amazing people. When I notice that there might be something good out there, I trust the wrong person and the whole cycle starts anew. Sure, I have the friends/family that have been there, but I can't keep leaning on them as heavily as I have. One more session of me bad-mouthing a co-worker I thought was ok, and my long term friends might start charging me by the hour. I've developed feelings for guys that weren't available or interested. A few later became single or interested, but the timing was just not right. At times, I've felt cursed.
At least after having the cycles happen so often, I can bounce back a little quicker. But boucing back leads to me wanting to try again (in making new friends or romantic connections). Some days, I think I'd rather hurt than feel nothing. It's annoying to be an optimistic cynic-my term for my behavior.
Hopefully my luck, or timing, or whatever will one day catch up to my dreams and wishes. If not, I am content with my current standings and short-term personal goals. I just know contentment is not enough in the long run. I dream of my definition of an idyllic life, knowing that I need some better luck to find some of the treasures.

In hindsight

Ok, taking two days off work, plus the weekend skipping visiting family.... might not have been the best idea.  I took myself out twice, and still feel off.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda bought a plane ticket and visited a couple buds in FL.
I thought I wanted a little break from all the hussle and bussle... but now realize I miss having crap to do.
There's nothing on TV but reruns. Even after weeks of not watching much television, it's all stuff I have seen before.
Am I just bored? Has all this time by myself made me crack?
So I turned to the internet, and started surfing (keep in mind this annoyance surfaced last night about 11 pm, when most everybody was turning in).
I have come to find out:
I cannot afford a decent house today, and at my current salary and savings. (As a side note: There is a house worth 6 million within 20 miles of here???!!!)
The cars I really like cost a little under half of the houses I viewed.
I get to cross off a couple more items on my 101/1001 (18 and 43, 88 will be done before my b-day). I have crossed the halfway point.
I picked a potential degree to pursue, and a local school offers it. Now to tackle their requirements and go into debt.
I'm a reformed control-freak with only a few relapses.
I rock at point and click games.
Facebook is not one of the top 5 pages I visit.
My near black-out was likely caused by dehydration and really deep bass.
The "I am an island" mentality I had has turned into "Can I try being a peninsula, please?"
I procrastinate horribly.
I can look forward to a few movies in the coming months that I would like to see: Nightmare on Elm Street, Resident Evil: Afterlife, Salt, Splice, Tron: Legacy, Iron Man 2, Harry Potter, Eclipse, and many many more.
And most importantly:

I have no fucking clue what I am doing most of the time.

The broken record in my head...

I've found myself building walls again, but with windows and a large drawbridge. Don't fret, I'll come out and play in the fields, go to dinner, yada yada... but I need to stop using and feeling a word that is getting me in trouble-want. I'm also trying a lot harder to not let my emotions run amok, and listen to what people are telling me in person.

I've realized I have a ways to go before I can cross off #60 on my list. I'm failing in the worst possible way when it comes to someone.

So I wrote... and wrote... and wrote... I went in circles, facing my past, truely focusing on my future, and confused to my present because of that damn four letter word. I was calm, eloquent, precise... and stopped lying to myself.

Through all the choices, all the wrong and right, every step has been toward a goal I cannot refuse I am trying to walk toward. Red had lent me the first and second books in a series, one she read during a phase in her life when she was deciding what she truely wanted.

I should have known it would make me see the general direction of the path I have chosen all along. She may have fun wandering, but I suspect she knows as well as I do that the meanderings are in a specific direction.

But once want creeps in, soon to follow is hope, then fear tries to knock on the door. Fear I can dispel easy enough... then the scariest four letter word walks in the room. Lucky for me, it's a beast I have visited, and calls me friend. It's one I use and mean it, but have to silence until the time is right (if that time ever comes again). It's the goal I know I keep seeking. So I have to guard my mini-castle against want.

I realize I need to stop analyzing, stop thinking, and just let things go the way that they are meant to. Even if the direction is opposite of what I may be screaming on the inside. I've learned I cannot force anything, that it must be free flowing.

I'm determined to just be open to whatever comes next.