I've found myself building walls again, but with windows and a large drawbridge. Don't fret, I'll come out and play in the fields, go to dinner, yada yada... but I need to stop using and feeling a word that is getting me in trouble-want. I'm also trying a lot harder to not let my emotions run amok, and listen to what people are telling me in person.
I've realized I have a ways to go before I can cross off #60 on my list. I'm failing in the worst possible way when it comes to someone.
So I wrote... and wrote... and wrote... I went in circles, facing my past, truely focusing on my future, and confused to my present because of that damn four letter word. I was calm, eloquent, precise... and stopped lying to myself.
Through all the choices, all the wrong and right, every step has been toward a goal I cannot refuse I am trying to walk toward. Red had lent me the first and second books in a series, one she read during a phase in her life when she was deciding what she truely wanted.
I should have known it would make me see the general direction of the path I have chosen all along. She may have fun wandering, but I suspect she knows as well as I do that the meanderings are in a specific direction.
But once want creeps in, soon to follow is hope, then fear tries to knock on the door. Fear I can dispel easy enough... then the scariest four letter word walks in the room. Lucky for me, it's a beast I have visited, and calls me friend. It's one I use and mean it, but have to silence until the time is right (if that time ever comes again). It's the goal I know I keep seeking. So I have to guard my mini-castle against want.
I realize I need to stop analyzing, stop thinking, and just let things go the way that they are meant to. Even if the direction is opposite of what I may be screaming on the inside. I've learned I cannot force anything, that it must be free flowing.
I'm determined to just be open to whatever comes next.
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