Adios 2010

We had some laughs, a few tears, a couple 180 degree changes to who I am and reversions to who I was.
2011, you have a few moments to prepare... you might want to limber up.

I succeeded in almost getting two-thirds of my 101/1001 completed. Most of the things not done were because of timing, cash or poor planning. I'm not sure if I'll do the list again.
I survived my family vacation. I had fun, mostly. Three and her honey were on a bit of thin ice with me. It's easy for family to get you irritated, especially when they try. But I have lots of stories to share, and smiles and hugs and appreciation for my little clique. I missed you all terribly!
And here is where a few of you might get mad (or very happy). For 2011, I'll likely not be here much... or at least not divulge as much personal stuff. I'll still be here, since I know for a few of you it's how we're staying connected.

So, some randomness:

The good: Watching Tron in 3D... on a boat at sea, almost hitting a goal weight, getting an A in my EMT class (I beat Febtober)-will take the National soon, feeling more "in control", learning to not be ruled by emotions, enjoying the curveballs of life (my own and friends'), being less scared and let things be.

The bad: too few parties thrown by me, still need to schedule time with the preggo cousin, losing my cool a few times and really hurting people with my words, focusing on the wrong things and slipping away from where I should have been heading.

The ugly: all the vacation photos that I look stoned in-wait a sec, that's EVERY photo of me. I really should learn to take a decent photo.

Happy New Year!

Patience is the companion of wisdom

Sorry, no key for you just yet.  

I jest about having no patience. My friends look at me, mouths agape, every time I utter the phrase. They bring up examples from my past, and some more recent going-ons. I smile, and make a playful gesture of wanting something right now, like swiping a fry or rushing to make a selection. I admit to running full speed ahead in many things.

But class, and lessons in life, have slowly taught me to be a little more cautious. The problem is that it tends to lead to me being silent and seen as cold as I take the time to gather information. There are times to act now, questions later... other times... not so much. 

But I do feel like a strait-jacketed two year old that ate all their Halloween candy in one sitting. I partially blame the person that asked to extend a hug long enough to let me get a clear pulse rate.

(Speaking of which... no kids stopped by... I have to unload my candy stash. Any takers?)

I am halfway through my EMT class-failure is not an option. I look forward to maybe granting my sisters' and father's wish of all of us working together (at least for a while).

I should work on a few easier items on my list. The sense of accomplishment is nice, and reminds me life is more than 'work, school, sleep, repeat'. Knowing my 1001 days is winding down is adding to the excitement.

I had a great "true 24 hours off" to end my month. With my squished schedule, and barely seeing my apartment in daylight hours, it was amazing to shove all the daily stressors out and have the mindset to just enjoy the moments. Sharing it with someone that gives me a sense of calm chaos was icing on the cake.

I didn't break down into a bubbling mass of goo last Friday (Febtober's birthday). In a weird way, I have 'raised a kid'. No insult to the other sibs, but he's the only one that I was mature enough to handle his care, crib to college. Celebrating it a little late was nice, and his expression was priceless. It was, and I quote, "Imagine you're high on epinephrine, speed, ecstacy, heroin and coke... All at the same time".

I'm still making lists and plans for life... but focusing on things I can develop. I want to have one of my sisters do a henna version or two of the tattoo I have imagined, go visit my preggo cousin before she gets too big, work on calling/texting/not being absent for weeks on end to my buds, etc. Oh, and of course, dragging all my wonderful friends along on these paths I walk. Make you a deal; you help hold the flashlight and bring some extra batteries, I'll pack a few snacks and protection from the elements. We'll sing, laugh, trot through the mud and make the rest of the world jealous.

So this is what I get when I complain to a few of you, here, on my pages.  Ok, so I have been bitching a bit too much. Please forgive me. I shall focus on other things offline.
To K:  Congrats! I will miss you!
To LC: Congrats on the house! Don't let *dude* stop by, or he'll move in.
To J: Just tell her you have a girlfriend (or boyfriend, lol). She's got to eventually stop hounding you, right? Oh wait, you don't know this is here! I actually have to tell you in person.
To K2: For the last time, NO!

Seriously.... seriously... all four of you sent me this, and I already had it on my hard-drive as reference. I get the point, it's not true. You're not the only ones to tell me it. I have failed to convey the point. I don't know what my point is.
But I'm not staring at the board, and it's not the only one up there in the hypothetical/imaginary waiting room of life. I get the point, you're sick of it.
I will ponder your suggestions/demands/ideas.

I want:

To be riding a Piaggio MP3 500. You can check it out here. Yeah, I know it's a scooter, and not a motorcycle. But I have horrible balance, and fell in lust with the idea that a less-than-four-wheel machine could compensate for my anatomical shortcomings. I still need to see if it's street legal and if it requires a motorcycle license. But I know it will likely never happen, more for the 'I could die tragically' than being teased for having a bike with training wheels.
To have the place everybody wants to visit/hang out at. The idea of a full house makes me smile.
A big bowl of soup for dinner... and not have to go to the store to get it right now.
My class to be over, because that means I'm on vacation.
To stop having inspiration strike at the wrong times (like when I have nothing to write it down or at the wrong place).
To lose those last 10 pounds and hit another goal already!
To make everybody else happy, and delight in the thought, "I did that".
To finish all these projects.
To be where I feel I should be, wherever that is.
To not be feeling like crud because I ran myself crazy all month.
To be hanging with you.

No, that's not me. I found it on PostSecrets. Yes, I read it every once in a while.

Is the billboard on again?

I ended up staying late after class on Thursday because Febtober had to go do something and ended up taking longer than expected. Anyways, I wound up just chatting with a few of my classmates outside of class. I'm hiding a few tidbits about myself, unless they flat out ask key questions. I'm also not blabbing what scores I'm getting because all I hear is most of them complaining they may not pass. (I am passing, because I freaking study!) Then out of left field, the older guy in my class (about the age of my parents), looks at me and says:

You're just a glutton for punishment, aren't ya? I can tell by the way you put everybody else first. You're out here waiting on your brother and it's not bothering you, but you keep checking that door to expect him to walk through. After a couple minutes, you turn around and focus on the group, only to look back when there's a lull in the conversation.

After I closed my mouth at hearing something usually someone that has known me for years tells me, and flashing back to all the other people that make that comment, I looked at him and replied:

Tis my nature. Don't know how, but it is.

So as we all parted ways for the weekend, I sat down on the bench and waited for my brother. And realized for a month, I have been running around like a headless chicken to avoid the lulls in conversation.
But I know I cannot outrun my feelings; avoiding the people that draw key ones out is not wise either. Bitching about things I have no real influence over is no help. But I do it anyways in hopes I may be wrong.
To my gal buds and their loves: I will partially live vicariously through you while trying not to overstay my welcome as your coupled lives go on. Don't let my jealousy stop you from telling me everything. I want to know. Hopefully, when you think things are so annoying/troublesome for whatever reason, you can just remember that one of your fondest friends is jealous of you-and not just because you're in love. I envy some of the qualities I hold so highly in you. With the plans you have cooking, I wish for us all to enjoy the benefits and am so ready to take a wild ride through the next few months/years/decades.
To the one I can't stop thinking about: Find a girl. It's my last hope of an 'off' button. You are the exception to almost every rule I have been able to write about myself. I would never do something to purposely make you uncomfortable, but I know you don't feel the same. That should have been enough, it was in the past. Fall in love or find something to be utterly happy so I stop hoping I can make you smile. You have failed to be able to turn me off. I'll try not to think you deserve better as I attempt to stop loving you.
To my sisters: We kicked ass doing mom and dad's anniversary. We deserve a break. Oh, that's right, we're getting our hair done tomorrow. Score for Two for the suggestion!
To the ones I don't call/write nearly enough: Miss you, will tell you soon. Thinking of having a "Moving Out" party when I find an acceptable new place. But I need to wait and get finances in order.
To work: You are killing my social life. It is too easy to make money, I want MEMORIES. The new and newly enforced rules are making you unbearable. I would rather work for my family than put up with the crap you are doling me. The perks of a lot of time off and health benefits are in no way enough for the guilt trips, meager 'atta-boys' and constant desire for more out of me when I am giving you all I got. Time to go Soup Nazi on you- GO TO THE END OF THE LINE!

Oh Holy Sh*t!

You know that I am a massive list maker. And even bigger list-loser. I confess, I usually find lists I wrote for groceries, recipes to try, restaurants to visit, gifts to buy, replacement clothes to buy, music videos to see, movies I saw previews for and want to investigate, books to read, random things to look up on the internet, etc. I could list some more topics, but you get the point, lol. Well, I found a list... not where it belonged (aka, my coffee table or purse). It was one I had made months ago, in prep for my parents' 30th anniversary.  CRAP! Such amazing plans, such cute ideas for gifts and an amazing cake idea.
But with my need to make myself insanely busy, I have no time to make 98% of the stuff on the list. Ok, downsize time... I can run to the store and get stuff for recipes. Talked to Two, and made reservations for dinner... planned something to get us in the area for said dinner to avoid being late. Got Three on board, and told her to bring cash.
Ok... now I am covered for Friday... I think.
Oh {bleep, bleep, bleep}! That means if I want to do anything supremely amazing for my next birthday, I need to get to work now! At the rate I get projects done, I need to start now.
Where's my paper and pen?
Ah, here's some paper... "Things to get done before October:"... Oh crud!
Ok, I'll just flip it over... "Make plans with Febtober for his b-day Oct 29th".
Double crud! I have my clinicals that day. Ok, I'll do it early... which means another trip to the store for his usual birthday treat. I need to see if he wants to do any haunted houses... and keep from being grounded.
Maybe my quest to "be busy" is starting to have drawbacks...

On the positive side, and to give you some more randomness by numbers:
72: Days until vacation
11: more pounds and my total is 100 lost
8: months to fit into my bikini... Must stop doing OT and do exercise DVD!
6: people that have or will have random texts from me this week :)  (new mini-project)
4: months and I do research for a new apartment or consider houses
3: months to do as much on my list (on the right) as I can!
1: Seconds it took me to curse again at the amount of stuff to get done

I think I found a New Years resolution... stop with the lists!

Let's get ready to RRRRumble!

In this corner, we have the lovable :) (me). And in this corner is the tag team of Mom and Dad.

Me: Dad, whatever it is that you want to say, just say it. Get it out of your system, out in the open and then we can work on getting over it. Tell me 'I told you so', call me whatever you've done so in private. Just quit hiding it and sniping at me. You've been holding back. If you're scared I can't take it, remind yourself that I am your daughter, and one of the few people who will stand toe to toe.

Dad: and foolish enough not to flinch. Daughter, I knew you had made a greivous mistake with that boy. I tried to stop you, and still stop you from focusing on foolish follies.

Me: Love is not a foolish folly.

Dad: You are young

Me: and you were on child number three at my age. If you are claiming age, then you have to call yourself a fool.

Dad: I won't do that. Your mother is the best thing to happen to me.

Me: and everyone told you that you were fools to get married and have children. Every member of your families... why did you think telling me "No" was going to be any different?

Dad: But yet, I was right. I will not let you make the same mistake again.

Mom: what about that one...

Me: stop right there. Just stop, both of you. I will not apologize for caring about someone. Yes, I made a mistake in whom to trust. I'll likely do it again. No one is perfect. I have mom begging for grand-babies, and dad secretly wishing I'd either go into a convent or move back and take care of everything again, thus leaving me no time to be ME.

Dad: what do you think it would be like if you had a boyfriend or husband and kids?

Me: They'd be MY boyfriend, MY husband, MY kids... not one thrust on me because you were too busy. I want my life to revolve around more than just me and you guys.

Dad: stop wishing for something that's not going to happen.

Mom: You have to take what your father says with a grain of salt.

Me: if I do that, I'm going to have hypertension

Mom: you are not incomplete without a partner

Me: I know that... but the things I want will require more than just me.

So what am I doing to work toward this wish? Well... I'm sorta flirting with a cute firefighter in my class, but being careful to not be aggressive. I'm tying the dudes up at work when they try to tell me I can't lift a tote. Staying busy. Basically... doing nothing, and trying to remember that I'm happier, healthier, hotter, and just better than I was when I was in a long term relationship. So, I'm a better version of who I used to be. Win for the next guy that floats my boat, or just a feel good thing while I wander through singledom.

Now, to suddenly go deaf as I enter my parents' house.

Sigh....

Out of sorts, or out of order?

I wrote a thing, not sure if I should call it a story or rant or just rambling. Two of my buds asked me to write my and my ex's story. In a way, the fact that the whole thing seems disconnected and scrambled fits the way we were during our time together. And it helped to explain to me why I am still so screwy when it comes to guys. How that the ones I let get away, or the ones that ran away, still bug me on a level.
I was apparently easy to replace. Tis not hard when the main requirement he had was, "Can I use you in almost every way to my own whims?". He's not so easy to replace because I thought, "How can we work on things together and build something?". I knew early on that he and I were very unlikely to find that sweet forever I'm sure my parents will enjoy. But I dated/fell in love with him anyways. I was willing to take whatever time he and I shared. As I put in my rambling, I loved him as long as he would let me.  The large part of why he and I don't continue to talk is that he wasn't willing to really work on it. When the game of using me was no longer an option, he disappeared.
For about three weeks, I have made myself super busy, trying to make connections to people, random or familiar. I feel more disconneted now than when I started! I feel weird looking people up and internet-requesting their friendship, or even opening up.
I'm in such a "planning phase" that I feel left behind. I'm taking a class to get a job to be able to pick my hours to work around a Masters I don't feel commited to. So I have to partially start over and find one that draws me in, realizing as I go to classes now that school is not as interesting or fulfilling as I had hoped.
Realizing that the path I want my life to take has so little to do with myself as a solo being. Hating the fact that I can't just be by myself for too long, feeling like I am invading other people's lives wanting to be a part of theirs, wishing for an unnamed/unknown person to enter my life.
I want my place filled with people, all the time. I want the connections, the stories, the comraderie... I thought I could displace my desire to be a part of a loving relationship by surrounding myself with friends. The yearn is still there, and I am sick of complaining about it. I know my buds are sick of it, too. My saving grace is that no matter how badly I want to love someone, I refuse to let that desire be higher than the love I have for myself. It's what keeps me from calling my ex or picking up some random guy.
No matter how busy I am, all it takes is the short moments before I collapse onto my bed for my heart to remind me I am not meant to be by myself. That in every dream I have for my life, I have someone to share the majority of my days with; that when I write my 'flash' or try to write a more in depth story, the urge to love someone kicks in stronger. The wish to be loved comes second, quickly after the burn to love someone warms my chest.
So, in the end... I simply want to give.... but to give to one that will give back.
But for now, I keep myself busy, hoping that one day it may be enough if the above never realizes.
So for my darlings that have loves, enjoy them. I will try harder to quiet my jealousy. To the ones searching, I wish you luck and happiness in whatever point you're at. To the ones near the end of a relationship, no the world will not end and eventually your heart will mend itself. Tis human nature to desire the connection, so don't beat yourself up for wanting it. It may happen, it may not. But I will wish for the former for you.

OneRepublic - Secrets

Was a full week, and homework is done.  Wild guess what I am doing now, instead of TV?
My hope is to get it done before work on Monday. There may be little sleep...
Thanks for the hugs, my darlings. And for the suggestions on fixing the road-blocks of my head.

So much better

I cheat-at Solitaire. When my cards no longer let me continue, rather than scoop them all up and re-deal, I shuffle the pile of cards in active play.  I also will run my video game character on to a spike/into lava/off a cliff to make them do the flashy thing so they are invincible if I am having trouble getting past a point. You'll get the idea in a second, I need to skip to a related topic.
Call it a reset button, an emotional enema, taking a quick way to total hearing loss, or just a good night out.  I went to a terrific concert, and it was all the above.  The idea stemmed from me getting into a really bad mood. I promised myself that I was gonna get out of it, without infecting anyone else and to not drag anybody into my mental block. See, this time, I was so locked up, I couldn't even begin to sort things out. Things piled up too quickly. I managed to not drag anybody into the roadblock, but did spread a little of my nastiness. For one night, all the BS of the last couple weeks got shuffled around and left to sit while I found my center.
I had to cheat my way out. And do it somewhat secretly. Since I lack the resouces for one of my other reset buttons, I took myself out to do something that has yet to fail- a concert. Listening to music at my place was not going to cut it. I had to feel the vibrations in my chest and see the artists pour themselves into the performance.
So I sat there, wrapping myself into the venue, breathing in the notes; trying to drown myself in the music while fighting the temptation to close my eyes and shut the world out. I needed them to show me what passion looked like. In classic 'me', I got excited and finally got to the point that I was smiling and nibbling my lower lip.  I can't talk about some of my recent issues, but suffice to say that the need for me to be a "good daughter" is draining me in more ways than one, along with separate issues with my folks, work, play, my past, etc.
When I can completely absorb myself into something like music, I can feel with no remorse, no consequences, no bad. For (usually) a day, I'm in a state of Zen. Nothing can faze me, nothing can get in deep enough to hurt me, I feel like I can handle anything. I go all flashy (like Mario), while the game of life goes on, so I can pass whatever obstacle is in my way.
I just can't use this trick too often. I need to collect enough coins to buy a virtual life and real ticket.
So for the next day, I am going to do what needs to get done, sort through what needs my attention and break through my barriers.
Right after I sleep, lol.

Fly on my wall...

Four candles, two flanking each side of me. All other lights are off. I have my radio playing as I light each wick. I start my usual night-time, pre-shower dance; one that I've always done on the other side of the room, away from my reflection. My hips sway, awkwardly at first. My fingertips find the button and zipper of my jeans, and I quickly release them. As my palms push the fabric down, the silkiness of my top meets my upper thighs. I shimmy out of my jeans, stealing a look at my toes.

hmm... I should've given myself a pedicure...

I look back at my face as I stand up. Then quickly skim down to look at my exposed legs.

If this tunic were just an inch or two longer, I could wear it as a dress.

I can barely make out some of my more favorite birthmarks. My freckles and childhood scars are hidden by the lack of direct light. My tattoo stands bright against my pale skin. My strong calves flex as I turn, showing off the soft, feminine curves of my legs.

I continue to dance, slowly lifting and lowering the edge of my tunic. I run my hands through my hair and let them float down my body. They cross at my waist, each hand grasping at the loose fabric. I look at my face, and notice I am nervously biting my lip. I dreamily close my eyes and sweep the top off of me. My eyes open, and immediately gaze at the tunic as I let it drop to the floor. I stand, in nothing more than undergarments.

Just breathe.

I gaze at my face, the familiar span of skin I see every day. The eyes that never lie, even when I try. The lips that convey my passions, both verbal and non-verbal. My face was always the part people would compliment me on, especially when I was larger. "She has such a pretty face..." Few ever finished the thought verbally.

Just breathe. Focus on the music, when it becomes too much.

I slip my gaze down a few inches, seeing the hollow of my neck as I straighten my stance. The roundness of my face gave way to angles of my bone structure. I note that my face shape is no longer simply an oval, but a mix of heart, square and oval. I take a deep breath and see something new. My hands instinctively rise to meet the bones I've never seen beneath my skin- my clavicle. My right arm rises and I flex it. I see that I still have a bit of muscle to my bicep, and realize a saddening fact. My young skin was stretched too far in my heavier days. Loose skin will be a problem, hiding some of my future accomplishments. But that's ok, for two reasons: it will keep vanity in check, and I can do good by donating the excess.

I stare at my chest, and giggle at my choice of bra. Leopard print, and push up. I remember when my breasts were fuller, and turn in profile for a moment. A full cup lost, but that's ok. It's what's beneath the skin that counts; my heart.
Just breathe.
My stomach. It still has a fullness to it, but much smaller than in years past. I can see how my body is bringing it in, slight curves at the edges of where my abs hide beneath the softness of my belly. The half-moon scar from my surgery blushes as I trace the almost hidden line. My hands roam my natural waist and ribs. Perhaps a few more months, and increased reps of sit-ups. I smile as I think of one day wearing a bikini. For a moment, I imagine my hands as not mine, but those of a lover. I let them run over the exposed skin, from shoulders to thighs and back again, memorizing the sensations and newness to my body. I turn to view my back and am pleasantly surprised to see it smoothing. I imagine where my next tattoo is likely to rest, the blank canvas of my skin begging to be inked. I turn to face myself and step toward the mirror.
I look into the eyes that never lie, and quietly whisper... "Hello, Beautiful."

Confessions and promises

A year ago, I had gastric bypass.


I had tried almost every diet, was classified as fit, but was obese. Most times, I would lose up to twenty pounds, only to gain it back. I had to do something drastic, something to literally ‘reset’ my system. I opted for bypass versus lap band because, at our current understanding of the two, it is IMPOSSIBLE to develop diabetes when your anatomy has been reworked (bypass), versus normal absorption of food (lap band). If I never lost a pound, I would be overjoyed that the misery my mother had with her diabetes would never be a shared experience. Two days after her surgery, she was completely off all diabetic medications. Though her neuropathy is still present, it will not get worse.

The x-rays, 15 tubes of blood drawn, breathing tests, cardiac scans, required psychological evaluation and counseling were nothing. I drug my feet when they took my “before” weight. The scale… it was a giant metal disc, used to measure cattle weights. I barely qualified.
When I awoke from surgery, it was a short success. My family took vigil for the first day, doping me on morphine to keep me asleep. I had to have two more surgeries because of complications- the outlet for my new stomach was too small and had to be opened up a bit each time. The promise of weight loss was icing on the cake, though not being able to tolerate even water for a week did drop quite a bit.

It was not my holy grail, but a tool to help me get healthier and avoid a path I seemed doomed to walk. My diet changed slightly; my tastes changed a bit more. I had to cut out tomatoes… OMG, I miss them. But my tummy gets so angry when I have raw ones. I can eat almost anything now, just in smaller quantities. I crave the foods my body needs. When I get stressed, I want meat. I eat more NOW then I did before. I consume more calories and more fat now and lose weight. Talk about confusing. Though, I admit... I need to tone and exercise more. I think it would be great to rock a bikini next year. For now, I try to not draw much attention, as I am not accustomed to it.

So soon, soon I will look at my body as a whole… and will share it. Until then, I will work on my writing projects and sneak in some stretches.

How much?!?

Money. It makes the world go 'round. It buys the pretty things we crave, the food we eat, and the shelter we seek. If we make not enough, we strangle every penny. I've lived at both extremes, the former causing the latter. Yet, in both, I've always had a problem spending it on myself. Especially when it comes to things that I have developed expectations on.
When I buy food, I expect it to be palatable. Clothes, I expect to be sturdy enough to last. The price I pay is rarely the true worth, as I usually try to bargain shop.
My highest expectations stem from my belief that there should be no price tag for the thing that is bugging me. Education.
Nowadays, with all the technology and ease of information transfer, learning should not be so expensive. Why did I (or in truth, mostly my parents) pay so much for a piece of paper that I have not even bothered to frame and hang? It's not guilded in gold, or carved into the ivory tusk of a mammoth. Yet for the same price, it could have been. This piece of paper was supposed to open doors and net me a higher paying job. It's done neither.
I took two classes through work, simply because I knew I would never see a bill. I tried to be more social, but my classmates found the work so hard, or their lives too busy to schedule study times. I did my work, and collected my grades. Passing them was supposed to guarantee benefits in work I have yet to see. Though it did help me in personal matters-as in contract law.
My opinion is that education should not carry the hefty price tag that it does. If you're smart enough to take the classes, you should be able to without taking out loans. The price for college should be adjusted to accomodate the minimum wage.  Or vice versa. Too often are people graduating with the hope of a large paycheck to pay off their loans, and are stuck in lower paying jobs. Or bright people who didn't get formal education, are denied advancement because of a lack of a piece of paper.
I feel like I am in a massive casino, gambling more money in hopes of a big payoff. And I partially refuse to pay the tens of thousands if they can't give me some sort of guarantee.
Yes, my expectations are high. It's not like I can return a faulty education. If they can't open the doors, why should I open my checkbook?

I will name him Squishy, and he will be my Squishy...

I'm playing mad scientist today. Be afraid... for instead of Frankenstein.... I am creating an amazing person (and stealing stuff to enhance myself). I just need all the peeps from my list on the right. Muwahahaha... cough... cough. I'll try not to embarass any of you.

• Febtober: I'm yanking your voicebox and tweaking it a little. I find it hilarious when people refer to your vocal range as "the brown note".  Also, the part of your brain that knows Chinese so I can have my dinner ordered properly. Ears too, because you ask me to sing for ya. Oh, and your "faulty engineered" (double jointed) thumbs. I think it is so cool, but dislike that it enables you to beat me at every video game!
• Spazette: I'm stealing your chest and putting it on myself. I'm borrowing your ability to invite yourself to friends' events.
• Itty Bit: Your sense of wonder at the world. Ah, to be new(er) to the world.
• Three: Your ability to draw the stuff I describe, your ability to find whatever I lost in nanoseconds, your lack of fear in playing paintball against our Sniper Brother.
• Spaz: Your ability to keep secrets (for myself), your 'come what may' attitude, your ability to hang with us girls in HS and take all the shit the guys gave you.
• Dawg: Your car buddies, lol. Your secret desire to be one of the girls and gossip with us, your willingness to eat all the leftover cake just in case my feelings would be hurt if you didn't (cute, but not needed).
• Monkey: Remember going on vacation? The way you felt when you saw the Castle... I'm copying that. I'm stealing your ability to tell my sister 'no'.
• Irish: Your knowledge of chemisty. (That reminds me, I have a video to re-find and send you). The way you look at Red (sooo cute), and the way you blend in to whatever group you're in.
• Two: I'm taking your hair for myself. I'm gifting your desire to be around me, even when I am cranky. Your willingness to try whatever weird restaurant I find, to embarass you in public on your birthday, and your awesome hugs.
• Mr THS: Your dance moves, your comedic nature, all of your family's recipes (for my eventual cookbook).
• Penguin: (Suffice to say, you raised my bar) Your knowlege of the stuff we have in common, the lightening bolt thing, some physical attributes, your calming effect, the secrets you just seem to know or weasel out of me.
• Baby: Your patience, your 'mini-zoo', your sweetness, your blackmail knowledge of me, your DIY skills, your ability to make friends anywhere.
• Red: Your ability to juggle so much, your staying power as my bud, your ability to crawl in my head (along with the above 2... dang you!), the fact that I 'amuse' you, not embarass, and your ability to push me when I need it.

After I build an appropriate body, and transfer the brain, the wedding announcements will go out. Hey, I took all that time to mesh my fave bits of ya, why not?  LOL

Can you see what I see?

A good 95% of the time, my mixed up wiring sees this world in a never-ending slideshow of images that are not necessarily right in front of me. So today, I closed my eyes, thinking of the last couple weeks.  Enjoy!

Movies I have to wait for... grrr

Aside from some other sequels (like Harry Potter, Twilight Saga, etc) and movies due out in the next couple months (Scott Pilgrim, Centurion, Tron, etc), I stumbled across some other ones that have me drooling. Now overtime isn't so bad... I need the money for all these trips to the theater!

Release date: 3/25/11

Sucker Punch is an upcoming American action-fantasy film written by Steve Shibuya and Zack Snyder, and directed by Snyder (Watchmen). The film follows a young girl in the 1950s about to be lobotomized and as she attempts to escape an asylum with her inmate friends. Snyder has described the film as "Alice in Wonderland with machine guns", including dragons, B-52 bombers and brothels.
"Set in the 1950s, it tells the story of Baby Doll, who is trying to hide from the pain caused by her evil stepfather and lobotomy. She ends up in mental institution and while there she starts to imagine alternative reality. She plans to escape from that imaginary world but to do that she needs to steal five objects before she is caught by a vile man. She has 5 days to escape before being lobotomized. In order to cope with the situation, she enters the hyper-real world of her imagination, and the lines between reality and dream begin to blur. She is joined with friends who are inmates from the institution. Lessons learned in the said fantasy world could help the girls escape their real-world fate."

Underworld 4 (9/23/11): The fourth chapter, a straight-up sequel taking place after the second film, arriving in 3D and featuring Kate Beckinsale back in Selene's skin.

Screenwriter John Hlavin says the movie will not be a prequel. "It will satisfy old fans and excite new audiences, meaning that we don't want to redo the first three movies, so steps are being taken to honor what fans have loved but at the same time introduce fresh elements."

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (American version of Swedish film) (12/21/11): A journalist-investigator and a precocious computer hacker become embroiled in life-threatening mysteries as they attempt to expose institutions that pull the strings behind the scenes. (I fully intend to see the Swedish version, but am curious to see how the remake-with actors I likely know-turns out.)

Must stop surfing the web late late (or is it early early?) in the day. 

For your education...

A buddy, that wishes to stay anonymous, sent me this. Amazing, what happens when I bitch a little. *Remind me, if I ever do find a potential 'Mr. Right' to have him see this. ~ :) *




Excerpts from Christina Hendricks: A Letter to Men, published in Esquire May 2010

“We love your body. If we’re in love with you, we love your body. Your potbelly, everything. Even if you’re insecure about something, we love your body. You feel like you’re not this or that? We love your body. We embrace everything. Because it’s you.
Speaking of your body, you don’t understand the power of your own smell. Any woman who is currently with a man is with him partly because she loves the way he smells. And if we haven’t smelled you for a day or two and then we suddenly are within inches of you, we swoon. We get light-headed. It’s intoxicating. It’s heady.
We remember forever what you say about the bodies of other women. When you mention in passing that a certain woman is attractive — could be someone in the office, a woman on the street, a celebrity, any woman in the world, really — your comment goes into a steel box and it stays there forever. We will file the comment under “Women He Finds Attractive.” It’s not about whether or not we approve of the comment. It’s about learning what you think is sexy and how we might be able to convey it. It’s about keeping our man by knowing what he likes.
We also remember everything you say about our bodies, be it good or bad. Doesn’t matter if it’s a compliment. Could be just a comment. Those things you say are stored away in the steel box, and we remember these things verbatim. We remember what you were wearing and the street corner you were standing on when you said it.”

"Remember what we like. When I first started dating my husband, I had this weird fascination with the circus and clowns and old carnival things and sideshow freaks and all that. About a month after we started dating, he bought me this amazing black-and-white photo book on the circus in the 1930s, and I started sobbing. Which freaked him out. I thought, Oh, my God, I mentioned this three or four weeks ago and talked about it briefly, but he was really listening to me. And he actually went out and researched and found this thing for me. It was amazing.”

“About ogling: The men who look, they really look. It doesn’t insult us. It doesn’t faze us, really. It’s just — well, it’s a little infantile. Which is ironic, isn’t it? The men who constantly stare at our breasts are never the men we’re attracted to.

There are better words than beautiful. Radiant, for instance. It’s an underused word. It’s a very special word. “You are radiant.” Also, enchanting, smoldering, intoxicating, charming, fetching.

Marriage changes very little. The only things that will get a married man laid that won’t get a single man laid are adultery and whores. Intelligence and humor (and your smell) are what get you laid. That’s what got you laid when you were single. That’s what gets you laid when you’re married. Everything still works in marriage: especially intelligence and humor. Because the sexiest thing is to know you.”

Peeking out from my hiding spot

Why I HATE “dating” in current times. Aka, what I had said to mom and various other people who are trying to butt in. Note: this is a farce, with some truths mixed in.


Meet a guy. Check each other out. Do the eye contact thing. Do the chatting thing, then flirting. Get asked to hang out. Meet up with him at a party, with mutual friends, in a group. Drink. Keep talking. Laugh. Get to know each other. Really hit it off. Exchange numbers.
Spend the rest of the weekend wondering if he’s going to call. Think about calling him first. Stumble over what the hell the rules are with this kind of thing. Sigh, frustrated that there are rules. Check your email. Spend the next hour stalking him online. Realize that before his first phone call, you already know some things you probably shouldn’t. Decide that you wish he would have called you instead. Shut off the computer. Stomp around.
Thursday comes around. Your phone beeps: text message. It’s him! Jump around excitedly. “What’s up?” he wants to know. You text back, telling him what’s up. He tells you that he’s hanging with friends this weekend. He asks if you want to meet up and chill. You say sure.
You meet up. In a group, at the bowling alley. Everyone’s a little sloppy. He kisses you. You jump around excitedly (on the inside). You kiss back. Weeks go by like this. Text message. Party. Hang out in groups. Decide to ignore the “rules”. Hookup late one night. Do the walk of shame. Repeat.
Realize that you’re a grown ass woman and that you’re still single. Decide that that’s stupid because you’re pretty awesome. Contemplate wearing a shirt that says, “I’m fucking awesome. Ask me out already.” Promise yourself that you’ll stop doing the stupid hookup thing.
Watch as hookup gradually turns into a relationship. Feel happy. Break up. Freak out. Repeat.
Complain that guys are lazy/idiots/not worth the effort. Wish desperately that you lived in the 1950s. Fantasize about innocent courtship. Remember that you could never deal with that much Jell-O salad or having to have your hair perfect all the effing time. Decide that maybe 1850’s sound better, or hell, the 0050’s. Rule out time travel as a dating technique. Wonder if you’re smart enough to build the machine anyways.
Continue to meet guys. Flirt. But stop any sort of prolonged, messy, friends-with-benefits thing before it starts. Because you have friends, and you don’t see how sleeping with them is a benefit.
Start to daydream about something better. About a guy who meets you and gets your number right away. Who calls instead of texts. Who doesn’t rely on email. A guy who tries aggressively to get to know you. Who, once he does, isn’t afraid to admit that he’s straight up and down crazy about you. A guy who finds it endearing that you’re a raging insomniac. Who will cook with you in the kitchen. Who will do things other than have sex with you, even if he’s killer in bed. Who notices that evil smile right before you’re going to do something slightly naughty, and winks.
A guy who will ask subtle questions about your favorite movies, and then watch them with you. Your favorite foods, and then get them for you. Your favorite time of day, and then make plans around it. A guy who doesn’t back down from your intensity. Who comes up behind you and brushes your hair to the side, kissing you on the back of the neck, catching you as your knees buckle. A guy who doesn’t follow the damn dating rules. A guy who you can’t help falling desperately in love with, as he’s falling just as hard for you.
And that’s when you realize you’re daydreaming (again). That you need to get back to class/work/cleaning. You wonder if you have any spare batteries for a certain toy, and figure it’s not worth it. You’re craving filet, and a Dollar Menu burger is not going to cut it.
Then you call/text a friend, not to talk... but just hang out. Or, like me right now... just go to bed.

LOL

Drama...

Fair warning, this post is pretty much a high-school-rant.
My mother is stalking my social network account. Now she is reading up on my friends' pages. Geez, I quit stalking them and she takes up the slack.
She knows the rules... My life and family life are to remain separate. I give an inch, she is going to take a mile. The reason this bugs me? She's asking why I posted such and such on a friend's page, why I "like" the updates, and has likely requested everyone as a friend of hers.
Very few of my buds have had to deal with my parents. Neither of my parents got to know the few guys I have seen. I tried very hard to not tell the last guy I dated about them, and give him a chance to get to know them if things progressed that way. My mother is waging an attack.
We had a long talk a few weeks back, where I basically told her to not ask when she is getting a grand-baby because I am just giving up on the idea of being coupled. I need to work on me, and I am sick of being the aggressor. If the guys aren't brave enough to ask me out, forget it. So she asked about the last guy I dated... I told her to let it go, like I had. Recently, she hinted for me to ask for a resume of his.  Apparently, she is smitten with him. Can't blame her, but want her to quit it. She made a point to tell me she was hurt that I kept the guys as secrets. Though we are a lot better than we have been in years, possibly a decade... She crossed a line I thought we had agreed upon. Her behavior is further guaranteeing me not discussing this topic with her... ever.
Whether he sees this or not...  I'm sorry.
To the other buds, friend her if you want... just keep in mind that with me taking away her dream of grand-babies, she's going to ask when she can babysit yours. Don't be surprised if she is making you a baby blanket.
So, in case you're questioning... No, I am not signing up for a dating site. It was an error when I tried it, and will likely yield the same results. I'm on a break, of sorts. If a guy asks, I might go out. But for now, I'm not hunting. My friends are my dates. I am loving my Girls' Dinners!!!!

Someone, stop me... or enjoy the show.

I'm considering doing something really really REALLY dumb.
It involves the internet... and potentially a photo.
I tried it before.
It wasn't pretty, hence why I think it's dumb.

But, ummm.... maybe it'll work this time. I mean, one in five (?) relationships start online. Statistically, that means mine should be one that starts that way. Four of my buds are in relationships that didn't start over the internet...
Ok, I'm grasping at straws. You have a better idea? I asked co-workers, and they suggested I get a pet. No, I can't get a pet. Red would be allergic, and my apartment is a bit small for the one I want. Besides, most guys are toilet trained, right?
So do you want to stop me?
Or help me write the profile?

Or else I try speed dating. I have a single gal pal I might be able to convince to join me.

Keep in mind, you likely have almost a month before I spring into action. By then, I might cool off or give up. I want a little affection, learn new things about someone, see if any part of their personality rub off on me...  I can't cuddle with my buds overnight (their sweeties would get jealous- or grab a video camera). I kinda want an excuse to get dolled up, the excitement of something new, some light kissing/flirting. Maybe this time, I can get it right.  I got a small taste of being that giddy person I like... I wonder if I can get that feeling back.
At least I'm not even considering Craigslist or something like that. I'm after more than a night, or two or three... you know this.
But I am thinking of using a free site, or trial membership.

First things first... my big test... then maybe a date. I'm not lonely, I'm selective. I'm also tired of entertaining myself. I'm tired of fighting my desire to love and be loved...

For my buds

I have been lucky to spend time with my friends on individual times this month. I was reflecting on it when my radio went silent. No music means my mind wanders... I found myself writing.

It was happenstance that we met. It was luck I was able to make you smile. It was coincidence that we had similar tastes. The synchronicity of our lives, hopes, and dreams make me ponder.  Though I question if fate exists, I find happy thoughts that my good fortune is calling you friend.
So, though I may wish to tell you every time we talk, I don't. But here, you can visit the following words as much as you want:
I appreciate you in ways I cannot convey
I miss you the moment I walk away
We carry parts of each other in our individual tasks
You are one of few I have let see past my masks
Each of you knows my secrets, and they are not all the same
Some are outrageous, others are tame
So if you have a bad day, or just need a kind word
I offer a hug, and a chance to be heard

Continuation from yesterday....

If there is a hard way to do something, I will find it. I'm crafty (as in knitting, sewing, gardening, baking/cooking, etc). My sister buys cookie dough, I mix it myself. I knitted my sister wristlets over the weekend, rather than try to shop for them. My parents' dishwashing machine was fixed after I moved out. My touch is all over that slowly degrading house.
Every weekend I am at there, they need me to do something. We have an agreement, I get to wash my clothes there, they get guaranteed time. It keeps Febtober from conveniently washing the same load over and over. Every time I open their door, it's not "hey, I'm here to do a fun activity or just hang out". It's "what needs to be done... what chore is not completed, what's broken, what needs to be addressed by me because no one else sees it?"  My parents and brother generally sleep in until the crack of noon.  I arrive at their place no later than nine in the morning, after showering and packing what I need to take.  I get to leave usually by ten at night, after finally getting my laundry done and we have returned from some sort of outing (that magically always occurs right before I can put my load in the dryer after doing two of theirs). Yet, that's not the problem. I actually enjoy finding some of the projects.
But the draining factor... for over twenty years, neither one of my parents has consistently done a household chore by themself or at all. All of the children are beyond the "learning phase". Because of this, any time one of them asks me to "help out"-aka do it for them, my energy level instantly drops. In reality, they don't have the luxury of being lazy. No chore is complete and the list keeps growing. But my mother is physically unable to do some things. It upsets me that she doesn't even try. I have suggested that they need to get rid of the "country home" because they obviously cannot keep up. I have been a good daughter, and helped out when they needed it (like when someone was sick/out of town/a large project was underway), but I keep waiting for them to find some sort of effective groove. My parents tell me what is important to them, and where they are lacking... but don't do jack to fix the 'problems'. In fact, it's worse.
I can't swoop in to "save" them. I have my own life, my own dreams... yet this is my family... even when my dreams are to start one of my own, how do I justify continually abandoning them? {That feeling I have, I might address later}
Is it any wonder that when I have a day off (and have lied to my family about being busy), I revert to simple things? Playing in the dirt on my balcony, making pretzels to take to work, reading, knitting, etc. I tend to shy away from short-cuts. My cell has so many roll over minutes, I could talk all month and not worry. I wonder why I have the thing, and realize it's because I don't always check my email. I live a bit far away to drop notes in my friends' doors, so I text them or blog here-same idea, newer delivery method. It also explains why I get a weird look on my face when my buds are done for the night after a couple hours. I'm quite accustomed to going full speed until I crash out. Guess they need more beauty sleep, lol.
I grew up that way, and remember many nights reading by candlelight because the light in my bedroom was too bright and would keep my dad up. I don't dream of finding a cute house, I fully anticipate having to build one. It's part of why I want to get a MArch. If I fail to get a great job (again), I can at least design a house I can hopefully build before I die.
I'm tired of doing the vacation planning, keeping the kids on task, noticing another leak in the roof... So while a friend dreams of things that remind me of my teen years, I realize that while I may agree... I want to find reasons to use my phone more often. So :P

Just a snippet...

Here's just a tiny teaser of last weekend.
Mom:  Oh, that's a pretty planner! May I see it?
Two: Yeah, it's got all my events and keeps me on task so I can do what I need to do.
Mom:( Feverishly scrawling in the calendar, updating and editing entries.)
Two: What are you DOING?!!
Mom: I see here that you're going to come visit the family every day this week and spend the weekend with us! That makes me so happy!!
Me:(looking at Two, smirking) You asked for it. Mine's electronic, and password protected. She misses her number two be-be.

Now, if I can just not answer the phone when they call.... I may find time to recharge. I love them all dearly... but feel completely drained from so much "family time". 

I am my father's daughter

He's the parent I have been around the most. When my mother left to pursue her career, in hopes we would shortly follow, she left us with only him as acting parent.
My father and I are both the eldest of multiple children, so there was an understanding from birth of what my duties and responsibilities were. I learned at thirteen how to change a tire and do basic house repairs. I learned at four to not piss him off. At fifteen, I learned how to not back down if we got in a fight. And there were lots of fights. Especially when mom wasn't there.
He's also the parent that basically said, "So long as you can function and do what is needed of you, you can stay out as late as you want".  There were many nights I didn't return until daybreak. I learned how to function on three hours of sleep (or no sleep) for days at a time. A few lessons I learned from him the hard way still linger in painful memories, but forgiveness is something I had to teach myself.
He instilled a love of old literature, and a thirst for knowledge, in me. He taught me that no one, not even him, can tell me I can't do something. He made me cocky when it came to school. He failed to prepare me for heartache. I know (and he admits) that he hoped I would never notice boys. He taught me how to not let fear stop me from doing something that needs to be done. He's scared of heights and swimming, yet fixes the roof, built his family a pool and goes on family cruises.
He showed me how to cut someone down without them realizing they were being dissed. He showed me how to defend myself verbally and physically. He stayed up late with me as a grade-schooler to watch Dr Who, Red Dwarf, Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, etc and discuss what we had seen. He taught me how to grill, shuck hot corn, get every last bit of meat off of bones and that the baby always get fed first. Through his own career, he showed me a job is just a job. There are more important choices to be focused on.
He's been the one to hold me when I'm cold, watch out for me when I get in trouble, and make sure that I can handle anything that life throws at me. He taught me I am a lot stronger than I think, physically and mentally. He's made all of his girls swear to marry someone better than he is, but to make sure Mr Right has the qualities we like in dad.
But deep down, I know he hopes we'll always be his little girls that need daddy to protect them. Too bad he taught me how to be independent.
Happy Father's Day.

Pop Quiz

Get those fingers flexed. One point for every correct answer.

In the last year:

1. Have you heard me sing? (Bonus points if you know all the words to the 2 songs I sing the most)
2. Seen me in a dress? (Pictures do not count!!)
3. Own a picture of me (as in you took it or have a hard copy)?
4. Been kissed by me? (on the cheek counts)
5. Have I cooked/baked for you?

Do you know....

1. My middle name?
2. If I ever failed a class, what was it?
3. My cell phone carrier?
4. The grad degree I am aiming for?
5. What my favorite thing about you is?

Tally the scores:
All 10 (possibly 11): You're family.
7-9 : You ROCK!
4-6 : There's this thing called a phone... call me.
below 4: What's your name again?

Ok, prize time...
Pick a topic for a future post. I feel like having a deep, emotional story told.

• My first time
• Why I am the only one in the family that does not want to be in the medical field
• My personal problems with blogging
• Songs that remind me of my friends

Text/message/comment... Just tell me your opinion. Popular vote rules.

What is your time worth?
I asked myself this over the last few days, while skimming through wanted sections.  Most people associate their hourly wages with their worth.  I'll admit, it's one of the simplest (if not the most inaccurate) ways to calculate pros and cons of daily expenditures.
A lot of times, I find myself giving my time away to family or sleep. Last week, I had been working insane hours. To give you a hint, I left work Friday at 11 am... with over nine hours of overtime. I was determined to "take myself out" to a movie. I invited a friend, one that is not such a pansy when it comes to blood, gore, suspense and medical verbage. Too bad it involved disrupting their usual sleep pattern. But hey, if they didn't want to go, they would have told me, "No".  I hope work was kind to them.
But to delve deeper into my question... with all these hours I work, I accrue time off.  In a little over a month, I qualify to accrue even more time on a bi-weekly basis. It's one of the perks that keeps me at my job, even on the worst of days. With me rarely taking time off, I run into an odd situation. I think I have said this before, but I am getting close to maxing out my bank of time off. My other problem is that the calendar is filling fast with other people's requests for time off. If I don't take any more days than what I have planned now, come September, I will have to take at least a full day off each pay period to avoid "not earning" any further PTO.  I already asked to see if I could get vacation pay added on to full paychecks- 'against company policy'.  But when I take "random days off", it's usually spent sleeping, baking, hanging out at my apartment or feeling like a wasted day. In a weird way, I almost hope that more drama comes my way when my bank gets full.  The last two weekends have been spent in hospitals for my parents' surgeries. What else could go wrong?
I know that I can find something to do, on whatever days I find to take off in the upcoming months. I'm more wondering when this prize for being a good employee turned into a pain.
So what is my time worth? A little knitting? A little writing? A bit of baking? Or is it worth nothing more than a lot of sleep and some TV?
It's up to me.

By the numbers

Lately, I have been more on the logical, mathmatical side of my multi-faceted self. I have been catching myself focusing on numbers more than usual, and finally just let my head wander along that path.

• I made a comment about waiting until the scale reaches a certain number to take a long look in the mirror, and I promise to write about it. It could be as soon as the end of the month.
• I made my appointment to take the GRE. It is next month. Cue ominous music and elevated pulse.
• I am slowly weaning myself off of the Snooze button. Thus far, I am down to four times at five minute intervals. Trust me, this is an improvement- a large one.
• I have monthly standing plans to meet up with a couple of friends that have enough dirt on me to keep me honest and out of politics.
• I have managed to sustain a morning constancy intact and inventive. I am much faster at texting now. Though, considering I do this delight prior to caffeine (and sometimes even finding a shirt), I do not guarantee I use correct English.
• I have a countdown going for my next vacation. I am lustfully sizing up my change jar. I see a ten dollar bill in there. Perhaps I can buy something this time?
• I know I bitch about money, and everyone knows that I make enough to pay my bills and usually afford some good times. It's one of those scapegoat reasons I use to try to push myself toward something better.
• I have to pick a date to celebrate. Schedules are filling fast. I am still debating continuing/resurrecting a certain tradition. Aka, the "Honesty Test".
• I have read a certain book one too many times. As a side note, I am holding the book and a birthday card ransom. (Ok, reality is I forgot to mail the card.)
• I made a list, using numbers one to my current age, and found meanings for each of the digits. I get bored much too easily.

That's some of my randomness over the last week. You haven't missed much.

Dang it's quiet...

The danger in having so much time by myself is that I fill a lot of it with introspection. Some people would kill for time to just sit and think. I sit and complain about it. I try to condense and analyze all my moods, to figure out what's going on with me, and sometimes I find something.
I lay blame on the usual suspects, and sometimes I'm right... Sometimes I'm half-right.... A few times I am completely off the mark. Lately, it's been an even mix of all the above.
So after a day full of scheduling and planning for the next vacation, I sit here... trying not to think. I want whatever answers I seek... What to to with my life, how to get there, how to find more happy moments, how much is enough for me to stop bitching, the list goes on ad nauseam. But tonight, I am not going to try to hunt them down. Nor do I plan to go digging tomorrow. Though I agree the answers should be easier to find, for now I will let them elude me.
Instead, I'm finding things to focus on. Like my GRE book. After polishing off both my friends' books, I think my mind needs other entertainment. One needed two of a series returned so they can entice the imagination of a peer, see their post here.  I will likely return the other bud's book when next we meet up.
For now, I remain in what feels like a holding pattern. Only now, it is by choice. Suddenly, it's not so bad.
So until I try to venture through the cloudy waters, just know that I am ok... I'm just taking a breather when it comes to the big stuff. I'm not going to disappear, just not drive myself nuts with so many thoughts.

Another Monday!

Why I aught to...

I've been cranky lately. Three is not helping out. I usually am at my parents' place over the weekend, mostly because 1) they ask me to, and 2) I want to be around people. Three is a tomboy, at least she was until she realized her boyfriend was going away...soon. He's going out of state for college. Now she gets all jazzed up and cares about how things fit. Freaky. He called while we were on our way, to let her know when he had some days off. She was lovey-dovey, and I was making gagging sounds.
Then she got me pissed. Her comment of, "You're just no where near ready for what I have", made me want to laugh and then deck her. This KID is telling me she's ready for a lasting commitment, with both of us knowing that neither of them have ever gone through any really tough times. Oh, you were grounded for two weeks and couldn't see your sweetheart, my heart bleeds for you. Try moving into a house and the big bread winner loses their job and refuses to even look until they feel they have had enough of a 'vacation' when really they're spiraling into a depression that changes your relationship. Just wait til the first time your honey cancels on you, rather than being his usual whipped self. I know how much of a control-freak she is. I know I am going to get a phone call asking me to pick her up because he's acting weird.  They are in their early twenties, when personalities, likes, dislikes, etc become more stable. She only in the last couple years got out of her horrible teenage phase. She's telling me that's she's more mature, more individually formed, and more stable than I. To add insult, she quipped, "I at least have my life in order. I'll get my degree, make lots of money, we'll live in Florida...."
I'm curious to see of she can make it through the time needed for them to finish their degrees. But at least I got to voice the fact that I have known a long time that my job is not going to be my source of happiness. I'm not wired that way. To understand it, you have to know my father. He changes jobs like changing underwear. I grew up understanding that it's the people I surround myself with, give me joy. A job is a job (I just want one that pays more, lol). Guess that's why both of us have gotten burned, trusting bosses/coworkers/friends...
But Three is staking everything on their jobs. I don't remember the last time she went out with gal pals, or anywhere not involving family or Mr THS. Their relationship better work out. After all these snide comments she throws my way, I don't know if I have sympathy for her. She better get accepted to the school she wants, or else she might break knowing her master plan will be off.
So I sit here with a shovel to dig her out if need be. But if she keeps being stuck up, I might bonk her on the head with it. Sucks to be the older sibling.

I LMAO...

One day, I'll be able to do more than half-smile and sheepishly say, "Thanks" when given a compliment. At least I have progressed past contradicting them!

Books, like friends, should be few and well-chosen

I have been waking up at odd hours, a book either on the floor or somewhere on my body. Thank you so much to two of my buds, for letting me borrow materials. It feels good to have my creative side scratching at the surface. It's comforting to experience things with a little bit of space between myself and the events portrayed. I can get lost without losing myself.

Sometimes, I just don't want to deal with what's looming in front of me. I grab a book. Other times, I want to chill out. I grab a book. Lately, it's been the best way for me to fall asleep when my insomnia hits. Usually, I get wrapped up in the story and sometimes read through the night. For the past couple weeks, I've been lucky to get an hour in before I'm snoring.

So thanks for the sleep, for getting my mind going, and opening new experiences.

Monday!

When sleep is good

If growing up is the process of creating ideas and dreams about what life should be, then maturity is letting go again. -Mary Beth Danielson

The good thing about being so absolutely exhausted I fall asleep quickly is that I tend to dream. The latest one left a smile on my face.
I'm in a large SUV, driving along and singing. I recognize the street I'm on as one that a gal pals lives on. She's outside with a large messenger bag and her hunny. I stop and they pile in, slinging the bag into the back. This continues until I have all my friends and their respective loves in my car. We're all rocking out to the music, arms bumping in the air. They're all chatting with eachother, then look confused as almost in one voice, ask me, "Where are we headed?".
I smile and quip, "South, very south."
We take turns driving the massive beast of a vehicle, with me telling them what highways to take and for how long. We rest for the night in a comfy suite, all of them trusting me with the secret I am keeping. In the morning, we load up on the free breakfast and stash a few goodies for the conclusion of our drive.
Then the big reveal: I slide a CD into the player, and "What's This" from Nightmare Before Christmas blares.  My smile is immense as they piece my diabolical plan together. For as the song plays, they get in character and take note of everything around them, including the gigantic boat coming into view.
If I could, I'd kidnap them all for a week long cruise. But I know schedules don't allow it, much less my budget. But I can at least dream about being a mastermind to happy days for the ones I care about.

You Tease!

I see you over there. I see you waving at me. You know I want you. Right here, right now. I want to run my fingers all over you and enjoy your scent as it wafts toward my nose. My mouth is watering, just thinking about my lips touching you.
But you're determined to make me wait... taunting me with side glances and slight bobs. It's so much worse when I have to walk past, and the subtle sweetness of you tickles my nostrils. I stop and admire you, beginning to nibble on my lip... wishing you were there. Wishing you were ready, cursing that I have to wait. Please, let me just give you one loving touch without risk of damaging you. I'll hold back my voracious tendencies and slowly enjoy you.
I promise, I'll take tiny nibbles... I'll breathe you in deep as you rest against my mouth. My tongue will gently part my lips for that first taste of you. I'm restless with thoughts of you, seeing you right there... so close I can just extend my arms to caress you. But I know you're so delicate right now, and you need time to get a bit stronger. So for now, I let you just hang with your friends. But soon, soon I will pull you away.
I'll relish in the moisture of your naked flesh against my palm. I'll fight the urge to pull you quickly to my mouth. I'll study the shadows of your shape, enjoying the view of every curve and dip.
When the anticipation becomes too much, and I can feel myself surrendering to my primal desires... When I've waited long enough to let you swell to your full potential... When I can finally let you roll against my undulating tongue... Right before my lips close around you and I grant myself a sense of release... I'll close my eyes to focus entirely on how you taste. Yummmm.
I want that strawberry to ripen!!!  And that's not a play on words. My plant has one that is slowly getting bigger. Hope you enjoyed, sorry it wasn't as good as my better stuff. ;)

Mind is sputtering thoughts...

Randomness abounds in my exhausted head. I thought I would quickly post to let you know I intend to post more regularly. With that, enjoy an un-edited entry!
Tidbits I need to remember: They say the drunk mind tells the truth... again, I never follow the norm. Mine lies, exaggerates, delves into the darker recesses of itself when not focused appropriately. I can only apologize, and mean for no one to take offense/worry at what spew from my vocal chords. I am not diverting responsibilty (call me on whatever idiotic thing I do); just know that drunk me is NOT me.
Do not read items that makes my imagination run wild, late at night. It's worse than dirty videos. I have a freaking test to study for! I don't want to be shown as a dumbass! As a side note, I need to write more. So I will find a notebook and start filling it with the "fun" thoughts, rather than type and delete. I need to return a certain red book-lest I tempt myself again.
Came back to a green door and one of the maintenance guys lounging outside my (unlocked) apartment.  Management wants to have the tenants start up a Neighborhood Watch, I want a new neighborhood.
I am hitting obstacle after obstacle in my quest for self-improvement. The local school called, tuition is a bit pricey and my chosen area does not do stipends. Looked for a second job, nothing good popped up. Will try again. Pulled a muscle over-doing it exercising. Bought a rice krispy treat for lunch. Tried to find my cousin via other family members' network sites-no luck.
Surrender has become a mini-motto of late. I will have to more quietly make my plans for world domination, while diverting much attention away from frivolous pursuits. I learned long ago to stop chasing what is not there. Other missions are to be completed. This applies to all my external inclinations. Hardest one to let go of: house versus school (will be leaning toward school-yes it costs THAT much); easiest: shutting and locking the part of me I have been working hard to smash down. I fear I may be "bitchy" more, or at least cynical. New mindsets are being set in place for the general population. You have nothing to fear.
My work schedule is screwy for the rest of this month and next, by design. July might be "normal", with August and beyond requiring random days off (hence why I am trying to get in contact with a cousin- I want to plan a visit).
Other oddities abound, but fatigue is setting in.

I am my mother's daughter

She's been a source of anger and pain, and the only one to listen and understand some of my tragedies.
She's dealt with more shit, and at a much younger age, than I ever would have thought possible. Her health has never been her strong point, and I have dealt with a lot of it over the years. One of my favorites was having to help her off the couch as she was pregnant with each of my siblings. The worst health related...
She fell, over 800 miles from home, and it subsequently ended her career over a decade ago. She had to return home, and I had to care for her. I was the one to force her to do her stretches, walk outside, and sometimes eat because the depression was too much.  I used the same tactics she used on me as I was growing up. There was the standard 'Hands on the Hips' maneuver, the 'Just Wait until your husband hears about what you've done' threats, and the calm moments of just holding her as the tears flowed. More recently, I'm her 'substitute cuddle buddy' when she's not feeling good and dad is away at work.
With a lot of the horror stories of my past, she quite literally has gone through them in her own past. The problems I had in a certain aspect of my life, I have unknowingly followed in her footsteps. So when the last great drama over a year ago occurred, she just wrapped her arms around me and whispered, "I know it hurts, but it will heal".
She taught me how to garden, run finances, and to let hurtful remarks roll of my back. She showed me how to braid hair and bread, how to care for an infant, knit and cut coupons. She's lead by example that sometimes the best thing out there is just within your reach.
My father delights in the fact that all his daughters wake up the same way as his wife, along with other shared mannerisms. We all have the slightly cocked, hands on the hips stance when aggitated. We all, thankfully, can cook better than her. We all have her ability to see past what is in front of us, and see what it could be.
I've seen her at her worst, and been her worst enemy.  Though at times we may still be at war, I cannot deny that I am lot like her.  I can stand up to someone who's only goal is to cut me down, and laugh.  I can eventually let go of pain so great it would crush most people. Like her, I squirrel away a bit of money and forget about it, only to find it months later when I need it.  Other aspects, I have yet to see if we are the same.
But for now, I will relish in that I have managed to inherit most of her amazing qualities, and tempered a few of the not-so-good ones we share.
Happy Mother's Day.

Square peg in a round hole

I went shopping for clothes... alone. The mission: Pants.
Even with my knowledge of sewing and armed with tape measure numbers jotted on scrap paper, I was clueless. I know I am too tall to fit in Petites, so I could at least skip one corner of the store. Then I realized the concept of "vanity sizing". Some designers try to make customers feel good by putting a size 4 label on a size 8 garment, or size 10 on a 14. Old Navy is notorious for this. I wanted a more true measure, so I skipped that store.
The plus size specialty shops are for those with a fuller, lower bustline and wider hips.When I lose weight, it's bust and legs first. I need pants to fit my waist and skim my legs, lest I get the "un-professional attire" talk again.
That leaves Misses and Juniors... and I am not quite in Junior territory... and Misses is for "average" body types. I've never been accused of being average, lol. My torso is longish, so most of the mid-rise pants are hip huggers on me. So I settled on trying Kohls and Target.
Add in that I wanted the pants to be cheap, since it is likely they will be too big before long. Clearance rack it is!
I had grabbed 12 pairs of pants... in every number from where I was the last time I knew my size to the 'vanity size' of a pair of pants that are a little too big. Some fell to the ground as I zipped them. Others laughed as I tried to squeeze in.
One fit.
I bought it.
Then I decided that perhaps I should learn to love skirts and dresses again.
It was a small victory.
I await the day the scale reads the magic numbers I randomly picked and I take a long look in the mirror. I admit to seeing myself in "pieces". I'll glance at my outfits, intently put on makeup and make sure my hair is ok. But to look, really look at myself... to assess the whole package.... freaks me out a little.
It's why there are few pictures of me from age 8 to now. I know I am cute/pretty/attractive on some levels. I have gotten compliments that now my outside is starting to match my inside persona. I know I won't have much in way of reference since I destroyed a lot of the photos of me, and in a way, it's freeing.
I have the odd opportunity to just "start over" in the area of my physical appearance and confidence.
I'm almost ready for my close-up. 

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity

Seneca is credited with that simple statement. I agree, but think it needs to add in a bit about timing. I've been lucky to find some people I trust with my secrets, survive multiple accidents, get a job with absolutely no skill-set, guess the right answers on exams, etc. But my timing has almost always been off. Add in that I operate faster than most people, giving in to a gut-feeling that gets me in trouble.  I trusted the recruiter for a job that I would be able to progress through the company. I've been at the same position for four years. I've applied to outside jobs a few days too late. I've been in need to talk somebody, but it's been at the wrong time of day/week.  When a more appropriate or even reasonable time comes up, I've either given up on the problem or come to a conclusion on my own.  I depend on myself heavily, almost to the point that I just don't talk about things at all.

But the whole timing thing is evident in two areas, career and social.  It has taken me forever to even think I have nailed down a potential career. And now I need further training. After being out of school for so long, I have forgotten so much that I can't apply for jobs in my undergraduate degree. I considered getting a quicker certification, like pharmacy tech/radiologist/anything with a year training, and using my limited connections to find something better to do than my current job. I'm bored and burned out.

On the social front, I've trusted people very quickly. Most of the time I get burned. Sometimes, just a little singed. So then I go into auto-pilot, and miss out on some amazing people. When I notice that there might be something good out there, I trust the wrong person and the whole cycle starts anew. Sure, I have the friends/family that have been there, but I can't keep leaning on them as heavily as I have. One more session of me bad-mouthing a co-worker I thought was ok, and my long term friends might start charging me by the hour. I've developed feelings for guys that weren't available or interested. A few later became single or interested, but the timing was just not right. At times, I've felt cursed.
At least after having the cycles happen so often, I can bounce back a little quicker. But boucing back leads to me wanting to try again (in making new friends or romantic connections). Some days, I think I'd rather hurt than feel nothing. It's annoying to be an optimistic cynic-my term for my behavior.
Hopefully my luck, or timing, or whatever will one day catch up to my dreams and wishes. If not, I am content with my current standings and short-term personal goals. I just know contentment is not enough in the long run. I dream of my definition of an idyllic life, knowing that I need some better luck to find some of the treasures.